Lesson 1 (Lessons from the Garden)

Lesson One: We are precious.

I've already mentioned the care I took into planning my garden...if you care, see previous post. But once all the preparations were done, the real fun started. And by real fun I mean actually growing something. I planted my seeds the first week of April. I was scared to plant them because it was supposed to rain all week and I didn't want my seeds getting washed away. But my Dad gave me wisdom and said the rain would make the seeds sprout faster. (Hmmm. That line in itself could produce a whole lesson of its own.) So I planted them and allowed my kids to help which was painstaking because I wanted it to be perfect. And it was, but not in the world's way of perfect (outward appearance). It was the perfection that comes from time with your kids out in the world working in the dirt and passing on passion. 

The seeds were in and then began my least favorite of tasks. Waiting. I have never been abounding in patience. Fishing, not my thing. Boiling water, not my thing either. The list could go on, but you get the point. Something about waiting for plants to grow is different. It wasn't just patience, but excitement and expectation. Everyday I got up and watered my plants. I watched and I waited for the smallest sign of life. Clearly my eyes are aging because my kids were always the first to spot a new green shoot breaking through the ground. Every time a new sprout broke through I felt joy. My seeds were alive a thriving! If they made it through to the surface there was hope. Each day brought new wonder and awe. I wish I could video the garden at night because I swear something magical happens over night out there. The plants take all the energy from the sun and shoot it out through their little bodies and grow. I never marked anything so sometimes I wasn't even sure what was growing. I was so concerned over if they were going to grow and make it. Was that a cabbage? Why did those two sprouts look the same? What if my lavender doesn't come through? My 7 year old would tell me, "mom, just wait until they grow bigger, then you can tell what it is". Such patience found in her, that I didn't even have. 

I fill you in on all these mundane details because in them I found my first lesson. We are precious to God. If I, a mere human, could find such joy in the growth of a seed. If each seed's progress was precious to my heart...Then how much more does our Father find joy in our growth and find our lives and the details of our hearts and progress precious??? Much more. Much, much more.

I'll say it again, we are precious to Him. He delights in our progress and growth. If we are failing to thrive He is sees. He is concerned over our well-being. He watches over us and tends to us and waters us. He prepares the setting of our lives in His supreme, all-knowing ways. He uses the rain and storms to profit us. His goal is for our survival, for us to spread our roots deep where He places us and grow, grow, grow. Nothing escapes his notice when it comes to our lives. He sees us.

I've always known I was precious to Him, but I have found this knowledge grow in much deeper revelation each day I work in my garden. As I tend my garden, He tends to me. It is His grace and joy to speak to me while I do something that I love. Many lessons in my life have come through sorrow, but this one has come through joy. 

This is the Gardener's Heart: us.

The Heart of the Gardener

As I was working in my garden today I hummed a tune and I thought about the heart of the Gardener...Something I've done every day for the past 3 months. Working the garden that is, not the tune. The tune came later, after my sweet Uncle passed away. At his funeral I celebrated his life by singing one of his favorite hymns called "In the Garden". Whoever wrote this song knew what it was like to be alone with God in a little piece of Eden. Here are a bit of the lyrics:

1. I come to the garden alone,
   While the dew is still on the roses,
   And the voice I hear falling on my ear
   The Son of God discloses.
2. And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
3. And He tells me I am His own;
4. And the joy we share as we tarry there,
5. None other has ever known.

I love this hymn because it paints such a lovely picture of being with Jesus. And for someone like myself, who LOVES being outside with nature, it calls me closer. It makes me think of Adam and Eve and the incredible blessing they had to walk unhindered with their Creator in the most aesthetically beautiful place ever. It makes me want to be still for a moment and know that He is God. And because being still is not a forte of mine AT ALL, I love this song for how it moves me. 

I've long adored the sunshine...The way it creeps into my skin and leaves it's golden mark. My family can attest to my ridiculous attachment to tan skin and sun rays. I love the Georgia heat. I dare say I love the humidity. What about the mosquitoes you say?? Love em'. Just kidding, but I tolerate them. I'm a Georgia peach, I don't know anything else!! When I'm in the sun I feel utterly alive. It's probably just science, but I'd like to believe it's also deeper and more spiritual than that. I reserve the right to romanticize sunshine!

My love for gardening hasn't always been as clear, and it wasn't until a few months ago that I finally found within myself an undeniable green thumb. This year I had an unquenchable need to have a garden. I can't explain it, but I needed it. I tried one the summer I was first pregnant with Clara. But morning sickness stole my thunder and I couldn't maintain it the way I wanted. This year my heart was set. Financially I wasn't sure how I could afford what I wanted. No doubt my adoring husband would have made it possible because that's the man he is. But low and behold my parents blessed us with some raised beds and I was off and running. I spent hours putting them together and finding the perfect positions and spots. I leveled the ground, leveled my beds. I filled them with dirt that I lugged across the yard bucket by bucket... I made Jeremiah fill his truck with dirt from our families business. I mulled over which vegetables to grow and how to position them. I googled and researched. I got creative and re purposed old things and debris from fallen trees. I got OBSESSIVE. I drove my poor husband crazy. He finally said, "I don't care about your garden the way you do." I didn't hold it against him (nor should you...we have an open, honest relationship that way). And it was true, my love for these 32 square feet of land had grown deep roots. 

To say I love going out in my garden each day would be an understatement. I understand why I needed it because when I'm out there, I hear His voice falling on my ear and I soak in the sunshine and I smile. I'm so utterly happy. Which I know is not what life is all about and I know it cannot last forever. (A winter of some sort is always inevitable.) But for this season, I go out and stand in a physical parable of His love and get revelation on His work in His children. I'm looking forward to relaying these simple lessons He's given me. Stay tuned.

Moms Unite---It takes a village...

Unless you are like this woman (a humocotpus), then you need help. 

About 98% of the things I have done to improve my marriage, parenting or house running has come from advice from others or just my observing my friends' lives and stealing their cool ideas. And to all those who have lent me a proverbial hand, thank you!!!

As I was just attacking a massive pile of laundry I was reminded that I've been meaning to blog all my personal "life hacks" so maybe, other moms, can benefit/improve. If nothing else, you'll all leave with a smile and an internal pat on the back knowing that 1. moms of 4 are not superheroes and 2. I'm not as organized as you thought. So here goes, enjoy!!

Laundry:

1. I do laundry once a week. As it piles up around the house, I re-pile it in the basement (aka my laundry room).  Then on Friday I wash it load by load and re-pile it a few feet away in front of the dryer...Sometimes I wash a few loads during the week but it always stays piled until Saturday. On Saturday I lug it upstairs and dump it on my bed. That's my new thing (I figure I cannot go to sleep unless its done...Then again, I do have the spare mattress in the girls room). 

2. I utilize my kids. They pull their weight. Even lil ole Abz can carry her clean clothes to her room. The girls fold the towels and put away. They hang up all their shirts, match socks, put their clothes away. Irie is an organizing junkie like me so she keeps the drawers in order when I don't. 

3. I DO NOT iron anything unless its absolutely necessary...And by that I mean maybe 3 times a year. 

4. I DO NOT flip pants, socks or undies, etc. If it comes to me inside out, that's how it gets washed and reput in the drawers. The girls flip the shirts when they hang and the pants when they wear.

5. I DO NOT fold pajamas or abaleens clothes. 

6. I DO NOT fold underwear. Come on, I pray no one does this.

Housework:

1. I repeat, Kids. My girls can clean the bathrooms (I do mirrors and toilet bowls.)...they can sweep, clean table, vacuum. BUT if they are playing peacefully I just clean it myself and enjoy the peace.

2. If I start cleaning they get in the mood. 

3. Cleaning is not an option because I CANNOT function in mess. 

4. But I CAN function in dirt. I DO NOT deep clean but maybe once in...hardly ever. I am trying to get better about washing sheets and such...

5. Inviting people over is an good excuse to clean.

6. I unload and load dishwasher EVERY day. I used to have this complex about wasting water and would only run the dishwasher every two days. That was with 2 kids. I'm over it. 

7. I make cleaning the kitchen a personal race against time. I give myself a deadline and rush. 

8. I do not clean hoping it stays clean. But cleaning up before bedtime does give me 3 hours of clean.

Food/meals:

1. I make a monthly menu before the start of the month and I stick to it in terms of what I am making. Sometimes I have to revise mid month to accommodate for eating out/elsewhere or leftovers. 

2. I shop 3 times a month. The 1st, 10th, 20th. I shop at the cheapest places around: BJs and Food Depot. 

3. My big girls can make cereal :) My next goal is to teach them eggs and pancakes.

4. My big girls make sandwiches. LUNCH

5. We eat alot of beans, rice, chicken, fruits and veggies. I do not buy a lot of snacky foods. 

6. My menus are not complex and usually repeat alot from month to month, even every 10 days. I fight the cultural need to cook big fancy meals. If my kids are healthy and full, and the like it I'm good. 

7. I make my own spinach applesauce for Abaleen - and I use reusable baby food pouches (Little Green Food pouches on amazon).

8. I never buy chicken breasts. So much more expensive. I cook whole chickens and build my menu around it. Or a whole pork butt and get 4-5 meals out of it.  

9. I keep recipes for muffins, biscuits, basic casseroles in my head. Makes for fast cooking!!!

Fun:

1. reuse your foam hand soap pumps!!! just buy cheap soap and mix half soap and half water. viola!!

2. less toys = more play

3. allow a mess to keep a toddler happy. 

4. be healthy and exercise, you will be happier. 

5. don't always eat healthy, cause you gotta have some sugar sometimes!!!

6. when my kids utter the word bored, it means they do chores. 

7. if my kids say they are "like my slave"  (yes, that happened, clearly too much history has been learned) then threaten real slavery to me for a day

8. in house date nights = redbox, junk food, adult play time :) so cheap and fun

9. don't interrupt peacefully playing children unless their lives are in danger.

That's all I got for now. 

Jesus, friend of sinners.

It’s funny I’ve had all these blog ideas rolling in my mind but today they will have to wait because I got something in my heart that just needs to get out.

Let’s talk about Jesus and sinners. And let’s talk about ourselves and sinners. Anything that Jesus did with sinners we should be doing too. And the way sinners felt around Jesus is the way we should only hope and pray they feel around us.

But first, let’s ALL remember that all of us who are no longer “sinners” find ourselves with a new title of “saint” by the Grace of God alone. That’s the only thing that separates us and them. A saint is no better than a sinner and a sinner is NO worse than a saint in terms of our sin and what we are capable of. The benefit to the saint is that we are under Jesus’ blood and our sin no longer counts or acts against us. The detriment of the sinner is that they are bound to sin and to obey it. They have no hope of real change and obedience out of faith in grace. The law has its hand around their neck. These facts should burden the saints’ hearts…Not elevate ourselves in our own eyes.

Have we been saints for so long that we have FORGOTTEN where we came from and what it was like to be separated from God and unable to receive His lavish grace???

I’ve got news for you and for myself.

We are no better than…

…the mothers and fathers who gladly abort the unborn

…the homeless brother

…the prostitute sister

…the gambler

…the druggie

…the Muslim

…the terrorists in ISIS

…Judas (the disciple who betrayed Jesus)

…Peter (who denied Jesus three times)

…Saddam Housin

…the father who abandons their kids for another woman

…the mother who loses her kids because she is mentally ill

... the severely obese person 

…the brothers and sisters who love someone of the same sex

…the pedophile

…now you think of the people you look down on and add them to this list.

If we are saints then we are who we are by the Grace of God alone. We are just like the “sinner” in terms of our sin nature BUT we have Jesus. How can we truly love the least of these while we have this notion that we are in any way above them or better than them? The answer is we can’t. And honestly, these wonderful amazing people can TELL we have this notion. They won’t feel like they can be themselves around us.

How can you tell if you’ve fallen in to the trap of thinking you are better? Well, I can answer this because I see it in myself ALL the time. (So don’t think I’m judging you, I’m just relating my internal learnings.) You can know if you’ve ever had thoughts like this about a “sinner”:

...I would never do that!

…How could someone do that to their kids??

…If I can change why can’t they?

…Why don’t they just get it together?

…I cannot believe they said that!

…Who could ever kill an unborn child? Something is wrong with them!

…That person is just SICK.

…etc.

These are just some of the thoughts I’ve had. I look at people and expect them to do things or handle things the way I would (problem #1 because everyone is different and is shaped by their different upbringings and life experiences and personality). I look at people and I state the obvious (of course a pedophile is sick and its wrong to kill the unborn) but I FORGET that if not for Jesus I could be (would be) in the same place as them. Jesus makes the difference not anything about ourselves. I think we will always have these wrong thoughts but we must take them captive and plead with God to change our hearts.

As a mom it’s a hard walk to walk. I want to protect my kids. I’d rather them not be around smoking or drinking or talk of anything ungodly. But that’s not realistic is it? Jesus made wine at a friend’s wedding. He must have been fun and accepting and grace filled and people saw it. We can say we are things but I think the true test is whether or not unbelievers see it. Can they be themselves around you?? Are you even friends with sinners??? And if you aren’t – then why not?? I would rather my kids be exposed to hard things because we live a life that is tangled up in love with sinners than being sheltered because of a wrong need to protect them. Will we sacrifice raising kids who know how to LOVE for kids are who are "safe"??

We are called to be in the world but not of it. I can, with a clear conscious and full heart, surround myself with the lost and still maintain my identity. *Within balance of course, I’m not talking about having only friends who don’t know God* I’m not friends with people just because I long for them to know the amazing grace of God and the power of Jesus. I am friends with them because they are amazing and I love them and they are WORTH something. They add to my life. I want people to feel free to cuss around me if that’s who they are or where they are. I want to the Muslim to feel loved by me even though we believe something fundamentally different. I want the homosexual to feel free to love who they want to love in my presence.  I want the broken to be free to be broken around me. No one had to get it together to come to Jesus, and they shouldn’t have to feel they have to do it for us. Do I agree with everything “sinners” do or believe? No. Is loving them tolerating their sin? Yes. Because loving them is loving them in their sin and that means accepting them in it and asking God to bring His love and power and change. Can I love “sinners” and keep quiet about God all the time? No. There is a balance of being led by the Spirit and loving them and speaking about what God is doing in my life. It’s building a relationship that isn’t contingent on their “salvation”. Again, people sense that. Let love be our agenda. Not a passive love or generic love… But a PASSIONATE love and a LOUD love.Because I don’t save people. Jesus does. But I can love them in word and deed and I can in that show them Jesus’ saving grace.

** As an ending disclaimer I do not write this because I think I have it all together or figured out or because I live such an awesome example of this. I can say with confidence that God been challenging me in this for about 7 years and that I find my heart is reacting more in love for people than judgment. Praise God he offers hope for change!! And this has also come through some radical life experiences my husband and I have walked through since we’ve been married and doing life together. These revelations  do. not. come. easy. They come through seasons of intense stripping down of myself until I no longer just feel naked and bare... But realize I have and been that way all along.

Letting Go...Part One?

As a women I can testify that we women generally have more control issues than our male counterparts. I think this goes all the way back to the fall of man...but in case you don't believe all that, then just examine yourself to see if its true. I can look back on my life and see many times when I went through a time of anxiety and it was mostly due to my trying to control life or other people and it/they not bending to my will. It's the human nature to want to control our fate or destiny. And to some extent we definitely are able to shape our futures. Make good decisions have a good future. Make bad decisions have a pretty rough future. However, sometimes you are going to find that no matter what you do, your decisions do not equal the reciprocated outcome and you realize: YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL.

Parenthood has been one of the main ways God has brought this home for me. I remember when Jeremiah and I were potty training our first child. We did everything wrong...Starting with our thinking processes. We thought we could put a child on a toilet and by saying "poop!" she would poop. Well, you can't make another person poop. Especially when the pressures on. Lesson learned! 

As parents we do our very best to keep our kids safe, protect them, love them, lead them on the straight and narrow. But sometimes you find that no matter what you do they get hurt or endangered, they end up feeling unloved or they make bad decisions. They are their own person. They grow up and go out into the world leaving you praying they got everything you were throwing at them all those years.

I saw all this to say this: as a mother, letting go of my kids has been especially hard this past year. You may be thinking, "Maria, your kids are so young". Yes, they are...My oldest is only 6. But its a mental thing and emotional...and spiritual. And it takes time. So (despite my best efforts to avoid it) I'm starting to let go now. 

Before I even given birth to our 4th daughter I had already begun grieving the ending of my birthing years....The precious baby years I've grown to adore. (Yes, that means we do not "plan" on having any more children by birth). For 7 years I've been pregnant or nursing and even though I know those things do not make my identity...They have become the only world I know.  I cannot remember what it was like to do not be doing these things. And now, as I wean my sweet Abaleen, I am trying to urge my heart to be at rest. Nurse her longer some may say...Have another baby others will say. But if I did those things they wouldn't because I truly want to nurse another child or be pregnant again or have another child. It would be with selfish motives because I couldn't bring myself to let go right now. And at some point, no matter how many kids I had, I would be right back to this place. Letting Go. 

(More on this in the next post...I think :)

The Best of Both Worlds

For a long time I've wrestled with guilt over a "small" thing. It started when I met Jeremiah and increased when I bore my first daughter. You see, until I had these precious people in my life I was content with whatever life brought my way. I had no fears or qualms with an uncertain future. Sickness? Bring it on; I'd die praising Jesus. (Not that I wanted it but I wasn't afraid.) Martyr??? Even better; let me deny myself unto death. A life of celibacy in some foreign jungle spreading the good news??? Yes!!! Please!!! Jesus and my heavenly home was enough. Life was short and I'd push through until I was in my real home.

I was very internally dramatic in my imaginings of the life I might lead. It's easy to have a "risk it all" attitude with you have nothing but yourself to risk.

This all changed when I met Jeremiah. I love him so dearly that I wish I had two lifetimes with him.
And then I had my children and instead of embracing a metaphorically short life I wish for the reality of a llllooonnnggg life on this earth so I can soak in every minute of the heaven I have here.

And then I was stuck. Because I'm not supposed to love this life on earth this much. (Am I?) I've felt guilty that I no longer wish to rush into the arms of my Saviour with such haste. I hope I'm explaining myself well. I know this isn't my home and that heaven will be a billion times better. And the older I get the more I look forward to heaven. Not just because I get to be with God forever, but because I will never be sad there, or see myself as less than beautiful, or look down on someone and miss their beauty. I will never be angered there or  hurt or tired. And everyone I've lost on this journey--I'll have unending days to catch up with them as well. It's all wonderful and I'm tearing up just thinking of it.

BUT, that's when I get stuck. Because for so long I've felt guilty that I love what I have right now as much as what I'll have then. I've felt guilty because in me burns the revelation that I don't want to go to heaven yet, I want this life now for as long as I can and then I want eternal heaven. Maybe God will reveal to me that in some fashion I've created an idol of what I have now. But to not say it is far worser to me. I've got to be honest with myself and with God.

I LOVE THIS LIFE HE HAS GIVEN ME. I want a hundred years and more with my husband and my children and my (one day) grandchildren. I want to make love a thousand more times and fall in love over and over and over. I want to take vacations and make memories and travel and know what it means to die old and bursting at the seams. I want to spend as long as I can loving people and pointing them to Jesus. Reveling in every miracle: big and small. I want to laugh and cry and embrace the essence of my humanity. I know the heaven that comes when this body perishes will be outstanding. But the heaven I live in now is outstanding as well. That's part of the good news of the Gospel. We DON'T have to wait to die to experience heaven. We start now. Jesus brought the Kingdom Heaven to earth.

This is what's burning in my heart this week. The best of both worlds. I have it!!!!

Give it all.

A few weeks ago during our corporate worship time we were singing the song "Scandal of Grace" by Hillsong United. (An amazing song oozing with deep truths!) There is a line that says "oh to be like you, give all I have just to know you". For those of you who don't know, one of the main ways I minister to the body of Christ is by leading worship at our church. So, trust me, I know (if anyone does) how easy it is to sing truth but not really get what I'm saying. I'd love to say that every song I've ever sang was uttered in the purest of heart. But I'm human. Sometimes they are just words.

The words to "Scandal of Grace" are powerful...But they also remind of another "song" I used to be silly and sing. "Oh be careful little lips what you pray, oh be careful little lips what you pray." Sometimes I've prayed things and I didn't realize what I was asking God to do in my life. Can you relate? For example in high school I felt that I didn't really understand the spiritual realm in terms of battle of good and evil. So I asked God to open my eyes to see what was going on. Boy did He. But it wasn't an easy answered prayer. Even as I write I wonder if my strong spiritual gift of discernment stems from this prayer. I love the gift of discernment but it carries a weight to it. I can read between the lines when people say how they are doing. I can sense something is going on and it burdens me. I carry people's burdens like their my own. I feel the battle. Anyhow, all that to say is that we pray things and sing things and say things and sometimes, despite our best efforts not to be ignorant...We say things in ignorance.

So I was singing that song in church, blissfully telling God I will give ALL I have just to know Him more and GUESS what??? He clearly showed me an area in which I'd been fighting Him and clinging to a safe zone. I had dug my heels in. Now if I told you the situation you'd insist that I have every right to feel the way I do and to fight it. And in a way you'd be right. We have every right to feel the things we do. And we can be totally honest with God about it. But when we sign up to make Jesus our LORD, we also consequentially sign up to resign all our personal rights. We live for someone else. Things in life happen. Sometimes they are glorious, but also sometimes they suck. We feel helpless and out of control. (Really, we are...that's not a feeling.)

When I sang those words a few weeks ago I heard His voice. He said "You CAN gladly give it all in this situation, because you will gain more of ME."

I had lost perspective. It's easy to do when the crap hits the fan. You see the crap everywhere, instead of what is really there. The crap is life and God is the room.

The words He spoke to me DO NOT make it easy for me to give my all, but they give me a hope in doing it. I can save my energy and stop fighting. I can rest easier and wait to see how much more of Himself I find in having to go through the fire. He is worth it. He is our reward. Everything and everyone in life can fail us and fall away...but He never will.

So, I give you the challenge He gave me. You are not going through what I am, but you are going through something. The enemy wants you to gain more of yourself and become inward focused. But God wants to replace yourself with Himself and become Kingdom focused.

Give it all my friends. Give it all.