This week God showed me what true reconciliation looks like - I'd like to share, so keep reading!
Reconciled: (according to blueletterbible.com concordance from Matt. 5:24)
1) to change
2) to change the mind of anyone, to reconcile
3) to be reconciled, to renew friendship with one
Reconcile: (according to dictionary.com)
1. to win over to friendliness; cause to become amicable: to reconcile hostile persons.
2. to compose or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.).
3. to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent: to reconcile differing statements; to reconcile accounts.
4. to reconsecrate (a desecrated church, cemetery, etc.).
What does reconciliation look like between two people?
For the sake of time, I will list Scripture references so you can double check my word (Matt. 5:23-24, 1 Cor. 7:11, 2 Cor. 5:17-19 just a few)...When I read about reconciliation it is about more than an apology for a wrong, it is about peace in a relationship that was once not at peace. I think true reconciliation starts with seeking forgiveness, but ends somewhere far different than what we have come to accept as the norm. Are the common things that cause problems between people acceptable reasons for a friendship/relationship to end (James 4:1)? Some examples from my own life that I can think of are business relationships with friends gone bad, romantic relationships gone bad, family members hurting each other...I know that sometimes we have to distance ourselves from a person for a time, or for good and that is the wise thing to do. But I think situations where this is needed are far and few in between. Yet, how many times do we just cut our losses with someone because things got hard or complicated?
The reason I am talking about all this is because reconciliation is something I have longed for in my life. On my end, at least, I want to do everything possible to be at peace with people, especially those with which I have had a history of "war". In my very first blog I wrote of being engaged when I was 18. We dated on and off for about 3 years. I know it hurt both of us deeply to be in such a traumatic relationship with no stability. Though at the time, I didn't accept responsibility for my part - it took me awhile to see that I even had a part. When he finally broke up with me, it took me awhile to accept the fact that things were really over, since we'd been on and off. And it took me even longer to start healing from loosing something I thought would be life-long. We tried to be friends in the aftermath, but it was too much for me. It was not healthy - I could not heal and be friends. So, I ended any relationship we had. Not because I wanted to but because I needed to. People told me to stay away from him, especially when I started dating Jeremiah. Then when I was married, they said stay away because you need to guard your marriage. When I got married I still had baggage, and Jeremiah, being the awesome man that he is, respected that healing takes longer than we want sometimes. I didn't love my ex-fiance anymore, not in the ways that would hinder a marriage. But how can you stop caring completely about someone that you were once willing to commit yourself to "until death do us part"? I'm human, and I can't. Not unless I had made myself less than human in my emotions and become detached, which is not healthy either.
It grieved my heart and soul to know that I would never be friends with someone so amazing. After all, if we hadn't been crazy and listened to everyone who told us to stop, not to mention God, things would not have gotten so out of hand that we couldn't be friends. It was our fault. I hated it. I don't think there should be anything that happens like that between believers that we should not be willing to work through. But there I was, the victim of a vicious "war".
I had been talking to God and my husband about my desire for reconciliation. A little over a year ago I felt that it was time to seek it. But I didn't even know what it would look like and did I mention my ex-fiance lives across the world now? I knew I had God's go ahead and I had my incredible husband's blessing as well. Being the godly man that he is, he looked past all my horror stories from that relationship and saw in my ex what I saw once too - a cool guy. So I emailed him. It was awkward. We started over. We filled each other in on our selves. We talked about old friends and family and our new lives. I was open and honest (not something that is terribly hard for me, but given the situation...). There were months in between correspondences, but it was casual and peaceful. I told him that Jeremiah and I would love to have him for dinner when he was stateside. A few weeks ago I got a call, he was here and he accepted. He and his sister, my long time friend, came for dinner on Monday. So there we were, me, my husband, my friend and my ex-fiance/now just friend at the table with my 2 girls. And it was a beautiful picture to my soul. We caught up, talked, laughed, joked and I had a really good time.
That is what reconciliation looks like to me. When my husband and I can sit in complete peace with someone that once rendered my heart useless and talk like old friends...Because you are old friends. From this point forth, I no longer refer to him as my ex-fiance, but as my friend. If we are truly reconciled to someone the past has no bearing on the present.
