Changing this world...

Jeremiah and I are watching this documentary called "The Human Experience". It's really cool. It got me thinking about my first visit to Jamaica when I was 15. We went to a handicapped orphanage up in the mountains called Westhaven. When I say handicapped you might think of someone in a wheel chair or someone with Down's Syndrome. There are children there with those conditions, but there are also children who are 18 years old but the size of a 1 year old... Children who are shriveled and stunted, molded into contortions from bones that are fused together. Children who are bedridden for life. They are there because their parents saw them at birth and rejected them. I think if many of them were born in America they could have been a lot better off due to available physical therapies and such. But then I also think that in America we have so many tests and technologies available to predict such conditions before children are born that if that child had been conceived here most parents would have aborted them before they were born. It makes me sigh. It makes me sigh a big, long, and deep sigh.

And then I remember their smiles. :) The first time I went I just cried uncontrollably. I cried and to this day I still don't quite understand why. Well for the obvious reasons that these children are so sweet and beautiful and their parents gave them up. But it was more than that. It was the horrible state of humanity and the sheltered lives we lead. It was holding a sweet girl names Janelle who was bed ridden and stuck in one shape and seeing her smile at me. It was the joy they gave me, a joy that rattled my world. And I was the one who was there to minister to them!

I can trace a shift in my world view back to that first trip, back to that orphanage. God changed my life on that trip. He opened my eyes and stirred my soul for someone other than me. And this was done through children that were the scum of the earth, children that couldn't walk or talk or feed themselves.

So, I'm watching this documentary yesterday thinking about how those sweet kids changed me. And I'm left with the dreadful truth: that most of us (including myself) aren't living up to our potential. If those kids could be used to alter my life, how much more should I be altering lives? Not because I'm better than them because I'm not handicapped. But because I'm NOT handicapped. Because I can talk and walk and speak and say deep things and go places. Not to mention all the other gifts I've been given in abundance. I've nothing limiting me.

That's all.

Life Is a Treadmill

Life is a Treadmill.

And it is on a high speed.

I.E. If you are not moving your feet forward, then you are flying backwards!

Have you ever watched a video where someone was distracted on a treadmill and FLEW backwards off into a wall? I have. And this image is precisely what God reminded me of when I was thinking about how I have been slacking off in a few areas. What a wake up call! Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that if I slack a little, it is equivalent to me just standing still, taking a break, catching my breath. In reality, my choices are making me backtrack (the Baptist in me is tempted to say "backslide" but that sounds too dramatic!).


Let's be honest, I have a lot of good excuses for dropping the ball. But excuses is all they are. What I need are actual reasons for dropping the ball in order to justify my behavior and I've found, upon self examination, that all my reasons are selfish.

So, here's to picking myself and my pride up off the floor, hoping no one saw me fly off the treadmill, and praying I am not injured so I can jump back on and keep going! ...Metaphorically speaking of course! :)

Clara's Birth

I have been pondering in my heart how to convey in words all that I feel towards the birth of our 3rd child. I feel that no matter what I write here it will fall short of doing it justice - but oh well! That's just how awesome some things are.

I went into this pregnancy kicking and screaming. I wasn't ready to deal with all the things it made me face and my past discouragements concerning birth. Two c-sections under my belt and more than physical scars to accompany those surgeries. I wanted a vaginal birth more than I could explain and for reasons I didn't even understand myself (though in retrospect, I do understand better my innate need for something so wonderful).

Clara was born on February 14th, the best Valentine's present I've ever been gifted. (Nothing like having the Lover of my soul satisfying a deep desire of my heart on the day of love.) She was 6 days "past due" and those six days were hard. When I was pregnant with Scarlet I didn't go into labor by the appointed time my former OB gave me. So I was just waiting. Fortunately this time around I have an awesome OB, Dr. Joseph Tate, who wouldn't have done a c-section unless absolutely necessary...Still I was facing my fears. But my body was working and I knew that labor was coming - just the waiting for it that was killer. I was having contractions that were getting more intense over the course of 5 days before I actually went into labor...And this is where the real story begins!

On Sunday night Jeremiah went on a date and I was uncomfortable from the child inside! So, we decided to come home and DTD (do the deed) one last time for good measure since that is the best way to keep your body ready for labor. Well, this time it worked. With in half an hour I was having contractions 4-6 minutes apart (this was 10pm). With in 2 hours they were 2-3 minutes apart and more intense. But, I could still talk through them and they weren't that long. So, I tried to sleep, took a warm bath, drank a little wine - no rest though. And even though I was tired, my heart was EXCITED! I was in labor! This went on all night, I let Jeremiah rest because if you know J, you know he is much more helpful rested. I did wake up to tell him I was indeed in labor and that we'd be leaving for the hospital in time to beat rush hour traffic. He accepted this info and went back to sleep - I love my husband! :) (Testimony of how at peace we both were with the situation.) So, at 6am we left for downtown (Emory Hosp in Midtown). My whole family met us there which was a blessing because I didn't know they'd all be able to make it. We had to wait awhile for a triage room. Thankfully my awesome OB was there and he checked me. 8am: 5cm 80% eff, -1 station. Then we had to wait for a labor and delivery room -- which was great because in the meantime I didn't have to be hooked up to fetal monitoring so I paced around through contractions and J and I joked around and went over some Bible verses I'd been confessing...9:30ish Dr. Tate checked me again and I was 6 cm. Moved into the L&D room and things really picked up! My doula arrived just in time because she was invaluable in keeping me going. She told me transition was coming soon. Holy moly! Transition was like a time warp where breathing was my only focus. Jeremiah said it passed quickly for him, but not for me. I guess it was only an hour but man it seemed longer! Contractions straight with no breaks in between. J and Talitha (my doula) were trying to get me to change positions, but that was hard at that point. Anyhow, this is around the time I started feeling the uncontrollable need to push with each contraction, and also when I started to get some breaks between them. Since my OB is so awesome he didn't tell me "not to push" as most do. He said push as I felt the need. He also checked me and I was 8cm, fully effaced, baby was at a +1 (which is really close to crowning). So, I kept on pushing with my contractions. Really, I couldn't not push. This is around the time Jeremiah forced me to get out of bed and go to the bathroom. Yes, I pushed on the toilet and I could literally feel Clara moving down. Once I got back on the bed my OB told me she was crowning and within 15 minutes I pushed her out. And it wasn't an orthodox pushing position, but more of a crouching on hands and knees fetal position. So, after she came out I flipped over on my back and they put her on my chest. I'm getting teary as I write.

For some people this may just be the norm for their births, but since I'd longed for this day for so long, it was almost surreal. I had just birthed a child into the world with out any help from modern medicine. One of the verses God impressed on my heart for this birth was from Psalm 139, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In terms of the size of children J and I produce, I needed to believe this. Amazingly I never worried this whole pregnancy about the size of Clara. Anyhow, since she came out a whopping 9lbs 14 oz, I consider that another testimony of how wonderfully my body is made. I didn't tear when her head came out, but I did tear some when her shoulders came out. I don't really care though, because it was part of the "natural" process. Also, one thing I was slightly obsessed about this time was Clara being in the "right" position for birth (face down) b/c Irie was face up and it was hard back labor. So, this time Clara actually came down the birth canal facing to the side. Another thing that was cool is that my water never broke in an obvious way. Even my OB didn't know when it broke. And so many doctors just break your water in a rush...I know that it was there at 5cm and then at 8cm he didn't say anything. My fluid levels had been low though so I think there wasn't too much and it just came out gradually. Obviously God was just making a point to me. When He is granting the desires of the heart, He works out the details. I'm so glad I chose to believe God had something more for me than what so many people and doctors assumed for me.

That's the technical side of my story...Here are some other fun details about my natural labor.
I always (internally) made fun of the women in the movies who were screaming in labor. I thought it to be highly dramatic. I now call myself the "movie woman". I was screaming, moaning, grunting and other "primal" noises, as my sister so eloquently put it :) I was sweating, cramping, almost hyperventilating :) If I hadn't had Talitha and Jeremiah I couldn't have done it. I know I never asked specifically for an epidural, because that's not what I wanted. But there were points when I didn't think I could do it, or that my body could take anymore. Talitha said "you are doing it". I love that.

I always fall in love with my husband all over again after having a baby. But this time is on a whole new level. It was such a precious experience to go through together. Jeremiah said when she came out and then put her on my chest the wave of emotions he felt was overwhelming. He was amazing and I realize that to have a husband, let along a supportive one, is not to be taken lightly this day in age. He supports my dreams and desires and is my rock.

Talitha, my doula, was invaluable. She was so calm and collected. I feel that her presence and confidence in me made it possible for me to know I could do what I set out to do. When I look at pictures of her grace while I labored, I am reminded that this must be how God "looks" when we are travailing in life. We think we can't do it, but he is calm and says, "but you are".

Lastly, after laboring for around 15 hours, I was spent to say the least. But when Clara came in all her glory and I saw her, it was euphoria. I felt like I could conquer the world. I was on a high for hours. This is why I would do it all again in a heart beat. After having c-sections and being drugged up, unable to move, etc with Irie and Scarlet...Clara's birth made me feel alive in a way I never have. That is what I believe God intends for women to experience, but that modern medicine and our belief that we might need more than God to do something has stripped us of. I am in no way condemning epidurals or c-sections because I know they have their place. But I do think for a lot of us God would have more for us but our thinking has been tainted by this world and so we miss out...And that statement is not just about a birth experience but about so many things in life.

In the after math of this amazing experience Jeremiah and I feel like we are on top of the world. For us it is one of the hardest and best experiences of our lives! I see this desire in him resurface to dream and do things he's been meaning to do. I feel capable of rearing 3 kids at once. I've been keeping my kitchen clean and clothes washed. We both believe this change in our attitude is directly related to our birth experience with Clara. We felt empowered and encouraged by it - while in the past our birth experiences left us defeated/discouraged. I know that God had his reasons for allowing us to experience the hard times we did with Irie and Scarlet, and that what we learned from the trails was more important to His glory than what we would have learned if he'd given us what we wanted the first time, or even the second time. Since He's never failed me, I trust Him to give me what I need WHEN I need it. And I feel that what we experienced with Clara was what we needed for the now.

God is such a gracious God. I feel unworthy to have experienced His goodness in my life concerning this birth. He's already done the ultimate kindness to me by loving me and saving me, yet He still cares about the things I care about and still delights in my delight. I feel loved beyond measure and confident in my standing with God.

An open door...

Usually I am writing about serious topics, but sometimes we need a change of scenery...So, here's some scenery to picture:

A living room that was relatively clean. A living room that was no longer clean but destroyed. A spare room of Christmas decorations, toys and art supplies.... Specifically a large bag of colored feathers my mother-in-law bought me for crafting. A door my children should never enter alone. A door I accidentally left open when I went out yesterday in a hurry. Two children whose father assumed since they were playing quietly, they were playing in their own room. Two children who are more like tornadoes than human beings and a father who was playing video games. One very pregnant woman who loathes crawling around on the floor cleaning. One very pregnant mother who has been on top of keeping the house cleaned and recleaned and rerecleaned...

That's a beautiful picture I just painted for you, huh? That is what I came home to yesterday. I felt like someone was playing a mean trick on me when I saw the living room. But then my eyes rested upon some play dough toys which I knew for a fact were locked in the nursery....But were they? No, because I left the door open. So I look into the nursery and find a flock of colorful birds has been defeathered at my feet. No not really, just an 18 month old meeting the bag of feathers. Every marker was open, all the nativity pieces scattered abroad. And my good mood I had waltzed in with, it was gone. I could have taken a picture but it wouldn't have done the mess justice.

Was I mad at the kids? For once, no. Was I mad at my spouse? You bet. Was I mad at myself? Oh yeah! So what did I do? Allowed myself to be boggled by the chaos, to shake my head in disbelief. I fumed for 3 hours.

I ask you, is there meaning in all madness?

Minister

Last night I was laying in bed with my husband...This is noteworthy because we rarely go to bed at the same time. He, being a night owl, and me, being a tired pregnant woman who cherishes every 8 hour stretch of sleep I can get. Anyhow, Jeremiah wasn't in a particularly friendly mood because he had to get up early this morning and I think he'd just got his butt kicked in some ps3 gaming - so it wasn't one of those chatty, cuddly lay in bed times. It was a turn the light off and be quiet night. But hey, we were going to sleep at the same time so I didn't complain...Yeah right! My flesh wanted to grumble silently, but thankfully my spirit won that battle. So instead, I found myself praying for him.

See, my husband's job is not glamorous and it is not the best of pay. It is cold, hard work and I'm sure if he could go and do just about anything else he would. But for now, J chooses to be content in these circumstances. I'm proud to brag on him - he's got his eyes on the prize. It didn't happen over night, but he's come to realize that there is more to a job than a good pay and enjoyment; there is a ministry and a calling. While he views his responsibility to provide for us as highly important, we both have come to view God's love for others as more important. We could have kept searching and searching for an awesome pay job that J loved, which was my prayer for awhile. But God's heart got the best of us. I love when that happens. (And, when we starting having God's heart, he blessed us with a pay raise at a job that I claimed "would never give raises".)

Jeremiah works with people who are diamonds waiting to be discovered...Caterpillars waiting to be wrapped up and meta morphed...Seeds hiding in the cold of winter waiting for spring. I know all people fit this description in some sense, but believe me, some more than others. They are written off as delinquents and slackers and crazies, and those are the nicer of the terms. They weren't fathered by men of integrity or mothered by women of gentleness. J has this amazing gift to relate to people and see them as God does. Something that I long for more and more. He sees them as God does, and not as this world. And so he forges these relationships with people that other's just write off. Twice this week his co-workers have called to just chat or ask for help or pour out their heart. I have listened to him be a friend - I have listened to him minister.

It is humbling when we realize that the responsibilities that are most base to our positions in life, or our existence, are more than just responsibilities. I know this, and I've known this. But last night laying in bed it was a fresh revelation. For me, God reminded me that I'd forgotten my role as wife and mother and daughter and sister are my foremost ministries. It is easy to let our church ministries distract us from it...Or let the repetition of the acts of cooking dinner, changing diapers or disciplining our kiddos seem to be just what they are: acts. But they aren't - they are good works prepared in advance for us by our Father.

Today, let us be reminded that in all things God has a purpose for us, a chance for us to minister and advance His kindgom. In Jeremiah's case it may be chatting about movies with an older man who lost his son many years ago. In my case it may be the gentleness of my voice when I remind my children what is right and wrong. I hope God shows you what it is for you as well.

God's Way

What does it really mean to choose God's way over this world's or our own???
Originally I thought of titling this God's Way or the Hard Way...But that is false because sometimes (many times...most of the time!?) choosing God's way is way harder than choosing our own way.

I'll get right to the main thing that I have discovered when faced with the decision to choose my own way or God's way:

God's way is no guarantee of harder or easier - it is our guarantee that we become more like Jesus in God's timing rather than our own...And for the record our timing would take a heck of a lot longer. In essence, God's way is NOT about what is easier for us, or making life hard to teach us a lesson. It is about what is BEST. And not only about what is best for us, but for our spouses, and our children, for our extended family, for the Church as invidiual churches and as an international whole, for the lost and dying world we live in...And above all, God's way is about His glory, which is always first and foremost on His mind.

Now, I'd like to say His glory is always first and foremost on my mind, but then you'd know I was lying. I'd like to say that it is even the fourth or fifth thing I think of when I am vacillating a big decisions. But no, usually I remember after much deliberation and such.

I'd also like to say that I think this is one of the main reasons God inserted Romans 12:1-2 in the Scriptures. There are many things people say with good intention and many things we see as right or acceptable or "how its done" because of the culture we were raised in or by influence of this crazy world. Sometimes how we see things line up with God's word, but really, most of the time they probably don't (at first). That's why it is VITALLY important for us to become questioners and wonderers. For me, to question and wonder is by nature. Ask Jeremiah, I drive him nuts asking him a billion question. I want to know everything about everything. I want to know why we do things, why I do things. Satan would have us as cookie cutter-minded running around doing what everyone tells us. God calls us to "not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind". And the result is this: "Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." I don't know about you but the fight, pain and diligence it takes to break us out of our old way of thinking is way worth the result of knowing what His will is for us. Some people are under the impression that His will is evasive and we can't really know what He has planned for us. Malarkey!!! These verses say we can and it also says it in 1 Cor. 2:9-10 (focus on verse 10).

Let me give you some examples from my own life. For Jeremiah and I choosing God's way has been saying no to birth control pills. (And note, this is God's way for us, and I don't want anyone to think I am pushing our ideals on others.) There are many things God did in our hearts before we even met that made us compatible on this decision. Popping a pill and timing your kids would have been ideal for me, someone who had a business degree and could make big bucks...Someone who loves to travel and do a jillion things at once. But, God's way for us was something different than we imagined. And I won't say that us having 3 kids back to back (starting with getting pregnant 2 weeks into our marriage) was all because of not taking a pill. Obviously we are a little looser with our prevention methods in other areas, and a little more carefree on the timing of our kids. But I also think that is a result of God showing us He has something different for us. This pregnancy was definitely a surprise and we did try not to get pregnant. Hey, God had different plans! Has it been easy to have 3 kids close together? No! After Scarlet was born you may recall that I temporarily lost my sanity. I'd describe it as something in me breaking. And from that crack, things began surfacing. Things that made me see myself in a new way (not a good way). But things that have caused me to change and change and change. Change as a spouse, a mother, a daughter, a friend...And these changes have made me become more like Christ.

On the same topic, I have friends who have been married for longer than Jeremiah and I. They don't prevent pregnancy, but they have yet to conceive. They long for children, but they also, and more so, long for God's plan for their lives. For a few of a people I know, this means no fertility testing or treatments. They wait on God. God's way for them is not easy. But I KNOW they are becoming more Christ like. I see it in them. Friends of mine waited 12 years to conceive. Their son is now Scarlet's age. They never saw a fertility specialist. They never doubted they would be parents. Other people told them to get over it, let it go. That never crossed their mind. To me, they are my modern day Abraham and Sarah (without all the sending your husband to sleep with the maidservant stuff!).

All this to say that even in specific areas of life, God's way looks different for people who look the same. While I cannot venture to say why God does what He does, I do know that I think it is about us as individuals, and our marriages and our families and again, the Church and this world. And all of us are in different areas of life, with different areas of ministry and influence. We ask Him for His will but we forget that it is not just about us. He takes everyone into consideration.

In closing, I leave you with John 15:9
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love."
God loved Jesus, yet He asked Him to leave heaven, live in our dirty world, hide his Glory for 30 years, and then submit himself to our hands in death. That is how Christ loves us. And what He calls us to do or be, no matter what it looks like, is about things so much bigger than ourselves. It's humbling.

Reconciliation

This week God showed me what true reconciliation looks like - I'd like to share, so keep reading!

Reconciled: (according to blueletterbible.com concordance from Matt. 5:24)

1) to change

2) to change the mind of anyone, to reconcile

3) to be reconciled, to renew friendship with one

Reconcile: (according to dictionary.com)

1. to win over to friendliness; cause to become amicable: to reconcile hostile persons.

2. to compose or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.).

3. to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent: to reconcile differing statements; to reconcile accounts.

4. to reconsecrate (a desecrated church, cemetery, etc.).

What does reconciliation look like between two people?

For the sake of time, I will list Scripture references so you can double check my word (Matt. 5:23-24, 1 Cor. 7:11, 2 Cor. 5:17-19 just a few)...When I read about reconciliation it is about more than an apology for a wrong, it is about peace in a relationship that was once not at peace. I think true reconciliation starts with seeking forgiveness, but ends somewhere far different than what we have come to accept as the norm. Are the common things that cause problems between people acceptable reasons for a friendship/relationship to end (James 4:1)? Some examples from my own life that I can think of are business relationships with friends gone bad, romantic relationships gone bad, family members hurting each other...I know that sometimes we have to distance ourselves from a person for a time, or for good and that is the wise thing to do. But I think situations where this is needed are far and few in between. Yet, how many times do we just cut our losses with someone because things got hard or complicated?

The reason I am talking about all this is because reconciliation is something I have longed for in my life. On my end, at least, I want to do everything possible to be at peace with people, especially those with which I have had a history of "war". In my very first blog I wrote of being engaged when I was 18. We dated on and off for about 3 years. I know it hurt both of us deeply to be in such a traumatic relationship with no stability. Though at the time, I didn't accept responsibility for my part - it took me awhile to see that I even had a part. When he finally broke up with me, it took me awhile to accept the fact that things were really over, since we'd been on and off. And it took me even longer to start healing from loosing something I thought would be life-long. We tried to be friends in the aftermath, but it was too much for me. It was not healthy - I could not heal and be friends. So, I ended any relationship we had. Not because I wanted to but because I needed to. People told me to stay away from him, especially when I started dating Jeremiah. Then when I was married, they said stay away because you need to guard your marriage. When I got married I still had baggage, and Jeremiah, being the awesome man that he is, respected that healing takes longer than we want sometimes. I didn't love my ex-fiance anymore, not in the ways that would hinder a marriage. But how can you stop caring completely about someone that you were once willing to commit yourself to "until death do us part"? I'm human, and I can't. Not unless I had made myself less than human in my emotions and become detached, which is not healthy either.

It grieved my heart and soul to know that I would never be friends with someone so amazing. After all, if we hadn't been crazy and listened to everyone who told us to stop, not to mention God, things would not have gotten so out of hand that we couldn't be friends. It was our fault. I hated it. I don't think there should be anything that happens like that between believers that we should not be willing to work through. But there I was, the victim of a vicious "war".

I had been talking to God and my husband about my desire for reconciliation. A little over a year ago I felt that it was time to seek it. But I didn't even know what it would look like and did I mention my ex-fiance lives across the world now? I knew I had God's go ahead and I had my incredible husband's blessing as well. Being the godly man that he is, he looked past all my horror stories from that relationship and saw in my ex what I saw once too - a cool guy. So I emailed him. It was awkward. We started over. We filled each other in on our selves. We talked about old friends and family and our new lives. I was open and honest (not something that is terribly hard for me, but given the situation...). There were months in between correspondences, but it was casual and peaceful. I told him that Jeremiah and I would love to have him for dinner when he was stateside. A few weeks ago I got a call, he was here and he accepted. He and his sister, my long time friend, came for dinner on Monday. So there we were, me, my husband, my friend and my ex-fiance/now just friend at the table with my 2 girls. And it was a beautiful picture to my soul. We caught up, talked, laughed, joked and I had a really good time.

That is what reconciliation looks like to me. When my husband and I can sit in complete peace with someone that once rendered my heart useless and talk like old friends...Because you are old friends. From this point forth, I no longer refer to him as my ex-fiance, but as my friend. If we are truly reconciled to someone the past has no bearing on the present.