Why "Confessions of a Goodwilled Woman" ???

The "Why":

Recently Jeremiah and I took a marriage class with church called "Love and Respect", by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. HOLY TAMOLY!!! It rocked our foundations...We saw where we were weak and strong and now we are working to repatch and fortify. What I learned there will come later, but lets just suffice to say it was incredible.

Anyhow, in that series Dr. Eggerichs repeatedly uses the term "goodwilled" to define a spouse that loves his/her mate but still wrongs them. I feel that appropriately defines myself, so I put together the blog name. And I didn't use wife because I feel that the goodwilled part (loving but still doing wrong) applies to about every close relationship I have. There was a time when I thought very highly of myself...Well you know what happens when that happens! God put me in my place that's what! Thank you God for loving us where we are! Read the next blog to know why I am writing...I don't think you'll be dissapointed.

The story behind my blogging...

For some time now I have wanted to begin writing. In fact, my list of "things to do before I die" contains publishing a book. I figure writing a blog is good enough for now. I used to want to title my book...well, I won't tell you in case it comes to pass - but it has to do with good ole Elijah.

Many years ago I read the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19. It is one of my most favorite stories. Let me give you the story in a nutshell. Jezebel is killing all of God's prophets and Elijah runs because he is scared. He runs into the desert and God sustains him. He runs with supernatural strength and finds himself in a cave. God asks him why he is there and he blames it on Jezebel. God then reveals himself to Elijah in a small whisper and again aks Elijah why he is in the cave. Elijah again blames it on Jezebel. God tells Elijah to go back the way he came. Elijah never mans up to the reason he is REALLY there - fear. (And a justified one too, might I add). So, God says, go back the way you came (with an unspoken figure it out).

I feel that writing to you is a calling God has impressed on my heart, and to not do so would be disobediant. I am convinced that what God has taught me through my many caves of fear, and going backs, and darknesses (blogs soon to come) are worth sharing - NOT because they happened to me, but because they happen to all of us. In a generation plauged by lies, deciet and decoys of all varieties, I feel a desparate need to be REAL with one another. The Bible encourages us to put off falsehood and speak truthfully to one another (Ephesians 4:25). The Bible also says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." (James 5:16). What have we got to loose in being real with each other? Nothing worth saving.

Let me be real with you...Let me bare my soul to you. If you know me well, you know I am a huge advocate of brutal honesty (I can hear a hearty amen from my husband here!). I might say things you thought, I might say things that make you mad, I might say things that are painful. Who knows!? That doesn't matter - what matters is what God says to us when we listen. He's always speaking. God has spoken to me through many of you and now I hope to reciprocate the same.

The History of a Goodwilled Woman

I figure you need some background and I'm going to try to condense my whole life story in a relatively small blog entry (in proportion to my whole life that is). Here goes...

I become a follower of Christ when I was 12...Church summer camp in Panama City. I had been in church my whole life but that is when I knew that I needed God and so I cried out to him. My mom gave me a strong foundation to build on because she always encouraged us to read the Bible growing up. (I attribute that to my extensive knowledge of Scripture - thanks mom!) Then I entered a rough season - my mom refers to it as "the dark years". I had been in a small baptist church my whole life and then right before starting high school my parents said "we're not going there anymore". BLAH! That statement rocked my world, and I still feel a sadness when I think of it. Those people were my family and I did everything with them. My first love was there, and all my memories, etc, etc. It took a long time for me to accept God had plans for me that couldn't happen unless I moved on. I specifically remember laying in bed crying and telling God "fine, I surrender, You can have Your way because I'm miserable". So, things started to look up.

We started going to a contemporary church and that rocked my world (in a good way). I started being able to sing more and led worship a lot (which paved the way for all my worship experiences up to date). And I went to JAMAICA! I am, admittedly and helplessly, in love with that country and her people. There are days when I weep because I miss it so. Don't get me wrong - I love my husband and girls and ministering to them is more fulfilling than I ever imagined. But Jamaica does something to me I can't describe and I know God intended it this way. Jamaica changed me - God changed me there. He showed me something in myself, something about this world, about the enemy and God's power...And that's just a few of the reasons why I love it. I have been to Jamaica 8 times now and in faith, 9 is on the way!

In high school I had mostly church friends. One of my only regrets in life is that I wasn't friends with more people, and I mean friends on deep levels. However,I don't sit and beat myself up too much because I'm someone different now and for that I praise God. I hated high school for its trivialness (is that a word?) and how silly people were. I was, I suppose, slightly beyond my years. (I heard that too much and it got to my spiritual ego later on...Alas.)

In high school I met a boy and I got in engaged and I held onto that like my life depended on it. I am devoted to a flaw at times, and this was one of them. I don't like reminiscing too much on that because it was so dumb most of the time and I dislike when things get dumb. I got anxious and depressed...and then anxious because I was depressed and depressed because I was anxious. It wasn't pretty. Let me put it this way, I'd probably still be holding on unless he hadn't let go. He was the man of my dreams - but thankfully God always has for us more than we ask or imagine and so I ended up with Jeremiah...Who is nothing like what I ever dreamed and the better part of all my imaginings.

I took up rock climbing for 4 months and then what I refer to as "rock falling", and tore my knee up horribly. But God healed it and I'll share later on that...

I graduated college with a degree in Business Admin. I got married a week after I graduated college. I got pregnant two weeks after I got married. I gave birth nine months later. I got pregnant again seven months later. I gave birth again nine months later...And here we are coming up on our 3rd anniversary with a 26 mo old and a 10 mo old. I am skinny because my kids don't really let me have a moments rest, and most days I feel a slight bit crazy.

This is my life and I love it.