Magic Mirror on the Wall...

Let me start this with a boring random fact...I use to think the mirror in Snow White was addressed as "mirror mirror on the wall", when in fact, it is "magic mirror on the wall". Hhhhmmmm. Pointless, I know :)

But on to my real thoughts. Last week I reposted a blog from last year titled "Beauty is Fleeting". Never in my life have I struggled so much with my physical image as I have the past few months. So, I had to go back and reread what God spoke to me last year...and reread and reread. Well, you get the point, I read it about 5 or 6 times. And guess what? It ministered to me! And guess what else?! I'm still struggling.

I'm struggling with my image and wasting my precious thoughts on how my body looks. And I'm frustrated that I'm struggling. And I'm frustrated that I'm frustrated. Eh.

I've been contemplating why I'm struggling and I've come to a few conclusions:

1. I've never been a looker, but I've always been completely at home with the way my body looks. Even after the first two children. Even back when I was flat as a board and skinny as a pole. Even when I gained a little weight my senior year. And especially when I was an in-shape hot momma before our wedding :) That is, I've always been until now. I've never even remotely disliked the way I look until now.

2. I've never had to work out to look good. Since I've always been comfortable in my own skin, I've always just worked out for the sake of it and because I enjoy it. I don't know if I have the diligence to work out with a goal. And for what? Because for all I know six months from now I might be pregnant again! (Not that that is my goal, but we all know my track record is bit shady in the not being pregnant area.)

3. My body has changed a lot in the past 4 years. And especially since my much desired VBAC. I'm like a freaking bear that keeps going in and out of hibernation. I don't know if that makes sense to you but it does to me. Not only have I much "milk fat" (that is what I have termed the additional weight women put on to later on give back to their baby via nursing)...I have these hips that won't even unwiden and a body that has endured 3 pregnancies. Stretch marks, saggy parts, a "plump" tush, and thighs that chafe in this wonderful Georgia heat. A head of hair that is bound to start molting any day now. A knee that wouldn't allow me to run it all off, and an Achilles tendon is acting up.

4. I have changed A LOT in the past four years. I can barely remember I life post kids. Getting married changed me. And every time I get pregnant I change. And every time I give birth I change. The church next to our house had a meeting advertised on its sign for "borderline personality disorders". I thought maybe I should go because its seems I'm always on the borderline or becoming someone else!

So to sum it all up. I don't look in the mirror and recognize myself. I don't look inside myself and recognize myself. I know that what I see hasn't a thing to do with my insides, and vice verse.

I'd like to tell you and myself that the mirror doesn't matter to me, but it does. Frankly, I don't give a rip what other people look at me and see (well, might give a small rip), but I care what I see. I want to be happy with the person I see. And I wish it weren't so hard to get from the place I'm at now to where I want to be.

Here I am, learning to relove the body I'm in. To love it because it is the way it is because I have been blessed with 3 amazing little booger heads. To love it because I am able to bear life. To love it because I bear the marks of motherhood. To love it because if I don't I'm vain and shallow and without perspective and those are three things I never want to be.