Things I gotta say...

There have been many times when I have felt guilty over the fact that my fertility resembles that of a rabbit. I know so many precious couples who long for a child and here we are popping them out like gumballs from a machine. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I've often pondered between me and God: why did you choose us for this easy path and others for a hard one? I have even envied the perspective that people who have had to wait have gained from their experiences. I'll be honest. I've not always had the best attitude upon first finding out about a child growing with in me. Don't get me wrong, I love (LOVE) our girls. But there were days when I know I don't fully appreciate what I have, because the stress of life pushes away perspective. And I have to fight for it sometimes. I guess we are all guilty of that, but it still bothers me about myself.

When I got pregnant with Irie, Jeremiah and I had been married 2 weeks. I was shell shocked. Yes, we knew where babies came from, but didn't expect that we'd accomplish it so quickly. With Scarlet, I was happy. With Clara, I was in denial. With sweet baby #4, I was at peace. But that child didn't thrive and was gone in the proverbial "blink of an eye". I grieved and experienced a sadness I would never wish on anyone. And, if I hadn't gotten pregnant again immediately then I know I'd still be swimming in a pool of despair on some level.

So, here I am, carrying our precious baby #5 (which for obvious purposes will always be referred to as our 4th child). I would love to lie and say that after a miscarriage I've had a wonderful positive attitude about everything I've experienced in this first trimester. I try not to lie so I'll just say that I still struggle for perspective. The past 3 months have been incredibly trying and emotional and just plain crazy sometimes. I know that a miscarriage is not from God. However, I know God and I know He promises to use everything for my good...Even the horrible things that Satan would use to destroy me. And that is just what God has done. He met me in my sadness and I felt Him near to me. He changed my heart and made me more like Him. He gave me another child (and there was a part of my heart that feared I wouldn't have another). He has given me grace after grace after grace to live and not just merely be alive. I am thankful that God doesn't just have healing for us, but also has Himself for us.

I am 11 weeks and 3 days pregnant with this baby. We would like a boy :)