2 years ago...

This is a blog I wrote 3 weeks after I had a miscarriage in September of 2012.


Three weeks ago I was me. But I was a different me.

I was a me with a handsome husband, 3 children and we were getting by. Life was hard but I had nothing to complain about. Three weeks ago I struggled with guilt because I know so many people who want children so badly. I know people whose desire for children have starved their marriage of desire for each other. I know people who have tried everything and still have no kids. I know people who have miscarried many times. I was not one of them. I get pregnant easily. At the blink of an eye easy.

Today I am me with a handsome husband, 3 children and one miscarriage under my belt. Life is still life but I don't see it the same way. Some will say what I carried inside me for 3 weeks was not really a child. Some will say they understand but they don't. I said it too, but I didn't. All I can say is there was a filling that occurred in my soul when I knew I was pregnant with my fourth child. And this morning when I found out for certain I wasn't anymore, there is an emptiness. I look around my house and see what might have been. I see my 3 beautiful girls and know that there should have been one more.

Three weeks ago I thought I knew what loss and sorrow and grief and confusion felt like. Surely I thought I did. I'd lost my grandfather. I'd been engaged and lost that love.

Today I know loss and sorrow and grief and confusion and we are no longer just acquaintances. We are like old friends. There's a knocking on my heart..."Oh, hello, it's you again. Did you come to stay or just to visit this hour?".

This loss has changed me, as I know all loss does. What you may surprised at is to know that it changed me for the better. I am not angry at God. I don't blame Him. I know He is good and I know He is all about life. I also know that He doesn't make babies die in the womb, but He does know about everything we go through before it happens. I know that if He has allowed me this suffering He has something to show me, to teach me, to tell me. So, I've been listening.


When I first started spotting and bleeding, this is a Psalm I read...
You are my hiding place.
You protect me from trouble.
And sing over me with songs of deliverance.

I made it into a song and I sing it over myself and over this life.