The Best of Both Worlds

For a long time I've wrestled with guilt over a "small" thing. It started when I met Jeremiah and increased when I bore my first daughter. You see, until I had these precious people in my life I was content with whatever life brought my way. I had no fears or qualms with an uncertain future. Sickness? Bring it on; I'd die praising Jesus. (Not that I wanted it but I wasn't afraid.) Martyr??? Even better; let me deny myself unto death. A life of celibacy in some foreign jungle spreading the good news??? Yes!!! Please!!! Jesus and my heavenly home was enough. Life was short and I'd push through until I was in my real home.

I was very internally dramatic in my imaginings of the life I might lead. It's easy to have a "risk it all" attitude with you have nothing but yourself to risk.

This all changed when I met Jeremiah. I love him so dearly that I wish I had two lifetimes with him.
And then I had my children and instead of embracing a metaphorically short life I wish for the reality of a llllooonnnggg life on this earth so I can soak in every minute of the heaven I have here.

And then I was stuck. Because I'm not supposed to love this life on earth this much. (Am I?) I've felt guilty that I no longer wish to rush into the arms of my Saviour with such haste. I hope I'm explaining myself well. I know this isn't my home and that heaven will be a billion times better. And the older I get the more I look forward to heaven. Not just because I get to be with God forever, but because I will never be sad there, or see myself as less than beautiful, or look down on someone and miss their beauty. I will never be angered there or  hurt or tired. And everyone I've lost on this journey--I'll have unending days to catch up with them as well. It's all wonderful and I'm tearing up just thinking of it.

BUT, that's when I get stuck. Because for so long I've felt guilty that I love what I have right now as much as what I'll have then. I've felt guilty because in me burns the revelation that I don't want to go to heaven yet, I want this life now for as long as I can and then I want eternal heaven. Maybe God will reveal to me that in some fashion I've created an idol of what I have now. But to not say it is far worser to me. I've got to be honest with myself and with God.

I LOVE THIS LIFE HE HAS GIVEN ME. I want a hundred years and more with my husband and my children and my (one day) grandchildren. I want to make love a thousand more times and fall in love over and over and over. I want to take vacations and make memories and travel and know what it means to die old and bursting at the seams. I want to spend as long as I can loving people and pointing them to Jesus. Reveling in every miracle: big and small. I want to laugh and cry and embrace the essence of my humanity. I know the heaven that comes when this body perishes will be outstanding. But the heaven I live in now is outstanding as well. That's part of the good news of the Gospel. We DON'T have to wait to die to experience heaven. We start now. Jesus brought the Kingdom Heaven to earth.

This is what's burning in my heart this week. The best of both worlds. I have it!!!!