The Black Pearl (Treasures of Darkness)

Treasure #2 ...

The Black Pearl...and no, this isn't a ship manned by Johnny Depp.

What is a pearl? It is a tiny grain of sand in an oyster that,when put under great pressure and given a long time, turns into a priceless beauty. 

What is a Black Pearl you may ask? ...Well, my Black Pearl is angry frustration... or frustrated anger. However you please. It is deeply rooted in my heart and newly found in this season. I believe the grain of sand that started it is genetic...hereditary...generational (whether physically or spiritually, or both...I'm not sure how all that works yet). And it took my whole life to surface. And it took a situation of great pressure to bring it out: having two children 16 months apart. The first child was the model child. The second, well God bless her, she took a little time to grow on me. We tell people that we have two children and they are night and day. What I fail to mention is that Irie was the day and then came Scarlet, the night :) I love her as a mother loves the fruit of her womb, but there were a few months when I was sure she was going to break the fine string of sanity in my heart. Every few days I glory in the fact that I have made it almost a year with two kids.

I used to consider myself an extremely relaxed person. I did until Scarlet was born. I don't know what happened but within a few weeks of her birth I started to see something really nasty surfacing in myself. I couldn't control it, it would come out of seeming nowhere. It would sweep over me and in the aftermath I was thinking what the heck is wrong with me. It was more than changing hormones and lack of sleep. It was anger pure and simple. Still, I have trouble controlling it. If I am going into a situation where I think I might have an issue I'll tell myself, "Self, you don't need to get all worked up about". But sometimes, it happens anyways and while my flesh is ranting and raving, my spirit is wondering what happened with that pep talk.

It has taken me awhile to even to begin to understand this side of me. (Because to rid myself of it I have to understand it.) Scarlet was endowed with the same stubborn streak that I have. From birth she has been strong willed. She cried out of anger many times even as an infant. It rocked my world. (Insert here that I can count on one hand the number of times Irie cried as a baby.) I tell you this about Scarlet because I believe being faced with an individual challenging my strong will, a child I can't control, tripped up my angry wire.

Anyhow, I call this a treasure because in essence it is a blessing that it has come to the surface. I say this because it was in me and I didn't know. But now I know and I can get rid of it. And getting rid of it stops that generational thing going on. And being aware helps me relate to others struggling, and it makes me more understanding and compassionate. It makes me more like Him. 

I also want to add here that if you have a Black Pearl then I think it is really important to find the root. As I mentioned I think mine began before I began. I have some relatives who are known for their anger and their relatives were known for their anger. Let's keep our oysters clean of those grains of sands.