The Looking Glass (Treasures of Darkness)

Treasure Number One (and these are in no specific order)...

The Looking Glass: the priceless gift of seeing yourself for who you truly are, and who you truly aren't.

And I'd like to add, that in place of priceless I could insert painful, or humbling or wonderful...You get the idea.

I have been writing and rewriting this...Trying to find a way to convey things correctly. This treasure is hard for me to put into words, for whatever the reason.

I used to see myself very poorly. I saw myself only through my own eyes and not the eyes of others or the eyes of God. I'm not talking about struggling with my identity as a believer. I know who I am in that aspect. I am talking about being blind to my many character flaws and imperfections.

In this season I have discovered God showing me things about myself that I had no idea were there... Showing me things that are rugged and untended to. In this season I have not felt glorious or beautiful. I have a heightened awareness of the unglamorous things I carry around in this body. This is the process of "being saved". Yes, I found salvation at 12 years old, but the "being saved" that the Bible refers to is a life-time thing. It is becoming less.

Since I promised honesty, here are a few things I have seen in myself. Some of them have been there and I played the denial card. Some I had no idea about and just happened to surface. Some I knew of but didn't know how to fix.

- I am highly judgmental. I think I knew of this but I pretended that I wasn't. I pretended like it was justified, or I called by other names. You know what happens when you judge others? You get judged. God has placed me in many circumstances where I have felt judged. Thus, I reaped what I sowed.
- I forgot the place of my husband. He should be up there right after God. Instead I gave him third place (after the kids), and sometimes fourth (after myself). I saw attitudes in myself towards him that were not right. I prayed and ask God to show me why and how to change. Having 2 kid back to back can wear a woman out. Heck, having two kids at anytime can wear you out! At the end of a day I don't have much love or energy left to pour out on Jeremiah. I don't feel like making him lunch for the next day and I don't feel like being intimate. When we first got married I considered those things (and many others) a joy and honor, not a duty or responsibility. When my love fails, I must be walking with the Lord to have supernatural love to pour out on J.
- I have been prideful. I've done many things I said I'd never do. One of them being having a baby through medicaid. I thought that was for people who took advantage of the system. However, after having one c-section, I was told by private ins. reps that the deductible for a c-section is $15,000.00 dollars. That is right folks. Probably more than a c/s actually costs. I don't like eating my words.
- I thought I was really good at trusting the Lord. It is a lot easier to trust him when you have no kids and your savings account is full. In this aspect, it has also revealed a lot of unresolved fears. In the message at church yesterday our leader, Carl, was quoted as having said, "All fears are rooted in an insecurity".

Well, those are just 4. There are a lot more.

It is very humbling to see yourself. But when God gives you a looking glass you'd better look very carefully because chances are there is something He's really trying to show you. And it is NOT you.

When I look in mine, I see myself.
But I'm fading out and I see someone else.
He is the one that makes what I see okay.
I cannot see myself clearly unless it is in reference to Christ.

I am a lot of very awesome things. And I am a lot of very horrible things. In this season I see myself clearly. It is not as a royal princess swept away by her Prince. It is as Cinderella felt when Prince Charming realized her position but still loved her. He made her royalty.

Don't be discouraged if you are displeased with the person you see in the mirror. We are messes, but lovely messes. God is stripping us of the things that are unfruitful so we become more like Him. And by doing so, He dims our own image in the Looking Glass so we can see His likeness more and our own less.

Isaiah 40:1-5 highlight..."The crooked places shall be made straight and the rough places smooth; the glory of the LORD shall be revealed..."