The Looking Glass (Treasures of Darkness)

Treasure Number One (and these are in no specific order)...

The Looking Glass: the priceless gift of seeing yourself for who you truly are, and who you truly aren't.

And I'd like to add, that in place of priceless I could insert painful, or humbling or wonderful...You get the idea.

I have been writing and rewriting this...Trying to find a way to convey things correctly. This treasure is hard for me to put into words, for whatever the reason.

I used to see myself very poorly. I saw myself only through my own eyes and not the eyes of others or the eyes of God. I'm not talking about struggling with my identity as a believer. I know who I am in that aspect. I am talking about being blind to my many character flaws and imperfections.

In this season I have discovered God showing me things about myself that I had no idea were there... Showing me things that are rugged and untended to. In this season I have not felt glorious or beautiful. I have a heightened awareness of the unglamorous things I carry around in this body. This is the process of "being saved". Yes, I found salvation at 12 years old, but the "being saved" that the Bible refers to is a life-time thing. It is becoming less.

Since I promised honesty, here are a few things I have seen in myself. Some of them have been there and I played the denial card. Some I had no idea about and just happened to surface. Some I knew of but didn't know how to fix.

- I am highly judgmental. I think I knew of this but I pretended that I wasn't. I pretended like it was justified, or I called by other names. You know what happens when you judge others? You get judged. God has placed me in many circumstances where I have felt judged. Thus, I reaped what I sowed.
- I forgot the place of my husband. He should be up there right after God. Instead I gave him third place (after the kids), and sometimes fourth (after myself). I saw attitudes in myself towards him that were not right. I prayed and ask God to show me why and how to change. Having 2 kid back to back can wear a woman out. Heck, having two kids at anytime can wear you out! At the end of a day I don't have much love or energy left to pour out on Jeremiah. I don't feel like making him lunch for the next day and I don't feel like being intimate. When we first got married I considered those things (and many others) a joy and honor, not a duty or responsibility. When my love fails, I must be walking with the Lord to have supernatural love to pour out on J.
- I have been prideful. I've done many things I said I'd never do. One of them being having a baby through medicaid. I thought that was for people who took advantage of the system. However, after having one c-section, I was told by private ins. reps that the deductible for a c-section is $15,000.00 dollars. That is right folks. Probably more than a c/s actually costs. I don't like eating my words.
- I thought I was really good at trusting the Lord. It is a lot easier to trust him when you have no kids and your savings account is full. In this aspect, it has also revealed a lot of unresolved fears. In the message at church yesterday our leader, Carl, was quoted as having said, "All fears are rooted in an insecurity".

Well, those are just 4. There are a lot more.

It is very humbling to see yourself. But when God gives you a looking glass you'd better look very carefully because chances are there is something He's really trying to show you. And it is NOT you.

When I look in mine, I see myself.
But I'm fading out and I see someone else.
He is the one that makes what I see okay.
I cannot see myself clearly unless it is in reference to Christ.

I am a lot of very awesome things. And I am a lot of very horrible things. In this season I see myself clearly. It is not as a royal princess swept away by her Prince. It is as Cinderella felt when Prince Charming realized her position but still loved her. He made her royalty.

Don't be discouraged if you are displeased with the person you see in the mirror. We are messes, but lovely messes. God is stripping us of the things that are unfruitful so we become more like Him. And by doing so, He dims our own image in the Looking Glass so we can see His likeness more and our own less.

Isaiah 40:1-5 highlight..."The crooked places shall be made straight and the rough places smooth; the glory of the LORD shall be revealed..."

Poetry

Become...

Let us become what we desire,
And in doing so create the loveliest attire,
To adorn the neck of this wasting earth:
A strand of pearls; unimagined worth.

Let us become what we had dreamed,
Revealing the lesser as just what it seemed.
And mourn no longer the things we lost,
For what's coming surely is equal the cost.

Let us become what we could not;
In our own power we birthed dust and rot.
Yet now we stand before a time in need,
As gold and silver and other precious things.

Maria Duran (c)May 20, 2010

The Scary Question...

I'm serious. God asked me the same question this week and followed it up with big ole "Why?". I heard him in the stillness of my heart after I had been praying and contemplating some things.

For me, the answer has been yes.

I've heard it preached many times that our enemy can only gain ground in us in two ways 1. doubt and 2. fear. This morning our church leader, gave a very powerful message. He said this: If God allowed Jesus to go to the cross and allowed Paul to be put in prison, He sure doesn't mind allowing us to go through some troubles in order to teach us something. Perspective my friends. That is what I have been needing a major dose of.

Here is why I get afraid of the dark. I loose control...At least, I loose whatever control I perceived I had - because in reality, I have little control over very little. If I am who I call myself - a follower of Christ then I submit to His authority in my life. His authority is prompted by a deeper love and wisdom and understanding...need I mention PURPOSE...than I can grasp if I spent my whole life trying. To submit to Him is to trust Him - that no matter what He allows to come our way that it is for our good. AND, more importantly, it is for His glory. Which, should be our main concern. But, speaking from experience, my main concern becomes myself and why He isn't doing this or that. And why it isn't done in my timing. It SHOULD NOT be so scary to loose control. In fact, we should have to be put in a position where we feel we loose it. Control should be something we freely give if we truly believe God is who He says He is in His word.

After this most recent darkness in my life I have come to this conclusion. God does not allow the dark to bring us treasures. The treasures I will soon write of are the icing on the cake. God allows these dark times to make us MORE LIKE HIM. He never looses sight of the prize or what He allowed His son to be crucified for. He strips us down and causes us to bare our souls, first to ourselves, and then to Him. We must see ourselves for who we are and what we are, to truly understand who He is and what He has done for us. He disciplines us because of His deep love for us. We should not feel abandoned in those times (as I have been guilty of); we should know we are being deeply loved.

I say we embrace the dark seasons.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil;
For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:8,11

Last Night - Part Two

In the midst of the baby drama Jeremiah lost his awesome and, supposedly, very stable job. Boo hiss. Praise the Lord we had advanced notice and so we moved in with my grandmother. It was free, we lived through the woods from my parents. Every person's dream I suppose. Then tragedy struck. Not really, I just wanted to be dramatic. What had happened WAS - what was supposed to be a 4 month stay, at the very longest, turned into an 11 month stay.

Since we have been married Jeremiah has had quite a few layoffs. Every time he lost his job God provided one right away. This time around when we found out he'd be soon unemployed, we prayed and thanked God for that job and started looking. I guess I thought I had God figured out in how he provided jobs for my husband. Turns out I didn't: here we are over a year later and still thanking God for "the job". I am not trivializing prayer and believing you have received. I am making fun of myself for thinking that I was going to get an answered prayer at the snap of my fingers. There were around 5 months when he literally had no work. And then it was 2 part time jobs. Which I guess "in the state of this economy" is doing good.

Let me set the record straight, we never went with out during that year. But this is about the darkness and I'm saving the blessings for later posts. I'm just letting you know what it was like in my heart. I loathed none of the blessings, but I loathed that time for what it was...And what it was is that we COULDN'T move out. We couldn't even tell her a potential move out date. I felt stuck and I was miffed again. How could God not provide us with "the job"!? What is He thinking sometimes!? I don't like being reliant on other people like that because I have no other choice. If I'm going to take hand outs let it be because I want to and not because I need to. My heart was (is) not pretty sometimes. Jeremiah would gently advise me to try and get used to this time, to enjoy this time. I'd tell him I didn't want to get used to it, I wanted out of it. What a man he is to put up with me!

Around Christmas we had family in for almost a month and it distracted me from my turmoil for awhile. But then they left I was back at the same place again. Mad. I got to the point where I couldn't pray about it anymore. Literally, I would just yell in my car or make some string of unintelligible noises. I called it the deep groaning of my heart that couldn't be expressed with words. You'd probably call it childish.

For months I'd been feeling on the verge of something...And it was NOT a break through. More like a breakdown. Everyone was asking if Jeremiah had got a job and I could hear (real or imagined) disdain in their voices towards the man I love for not supporting his family. People would advise me on how to advise him. I told God that I was tired and I couldn't handle it anymore. I was honest! I know sometimes we can handle more and we just don't want to. But I was fighting deep anger. The anxiety and depression I used to know was knocking on my door. I literally, with all my heart, KNOW I needed a break through.

So, I asked. And I received. Morning came. Thank you God!

When the Lord withholds you deep heart desires (and I'm not speaking of frivolous wants, but real serious legitimate desires of the heart)...And you haven't been giving the Lord what He deserves...You might get a darkness of your own. Or maybe the darkness didn't have to be darkness if I'd been in a right state of heart. Food for my thoughts and yours.

Happier reading to come :) Happy Mother's Day to alL!

Last Night - Part One

No, not last night literally...But the last season of night I just came out of.

I thought that before I started talking about the treasures I found there I should describe the night I found them in.

It started when we got married, but, thankfully in the end, had nothing to do with our marriage. Does that make sense? The state of our marriage had nothing to do with the darkness. Anyhow, before I got married life was easy and I had a very set routine for most of my days. Marriage and pregnancy threw that all off. I didn't have a set time to spend with the Lord anymore and I had lost the art of doing it as I went along my day. (Or more accurately surrendered the art as I don't think the devil can take anything like that unless we give it over.)

This next statement will sound dumb, but I promised I'd be honest. I chose to "slack" in my time with God. Jeremiah isn't a huge reader and I didn't want to seem like this super-spiritual wife who sat around and read my Bible all the time. I think that is where it started.

Then came the birth of Irie and it wasn't pretty. We prayed for a lot of things and had an awesome birth plan. In the end the only thing we got that we prayed for was a healthy baby. YES, I KNOW that is all that really matters. But sometimes we have desires for more than just what matters. (I mean, all that matters is that we have food and shelter right? But wouldn't you rather have your own home with a job to provide those things than live in a box somewhere and dig out of a garbage can?)

When I didn't get those desires it crushed me. What happened was that I ended up having a c-section. And not only was that like the worst possible scenario in my mind, it was a horrible experience. I welcomed my first born into the world half conscious and after 2-3 days of no sleep. I didn't get to enjoy my first weeks with her...Honestly, I don't even remember them much. Something I dreamed of (giving birth vaginally and joyfully) died and I was grieving. I had bad "baby blues" as they call it for about 6 weeks. I call it depression from the enemy. There is the legitimate side of it where your hormones are whacking you out, but there is the spiritual side where I wasn't prepared for what happened. I started dealing with it best I could - but both Jeremiah and I were slightly miffed with God. We knew we couldn't blame him but it was hard to reconcile that we had guilt in the ways things went. You may or may not agree on that topic of it all being God's will...and I don't care. I know that I was tired in the end of labor with Irie. Jeremiah got scared for me and I got scared for Irie. We made decisions out of that fear and that is that. We could have made the same decisions in peace and had the same results. It would still be hard, but at least I'd know we were in the clear.

Well, if you don't know, then now you do - once you've had a c-section the worlds says your doomed for more and the doctors will never induce you on any lever. In fact one friend told me that after her first c-section at age 20, the doctors asked her if she wanted her "tubes tied" while they were in there!?! I've never used this before, but I think it applies - WTF. I know, can you believe I typed that? I can't.
So, sticking with our convictions about having children and birth control, I got pregnant again when Irie was 7 months old - and I was bound and determined to not have another c-section. I will condense Scarlet's 9 months in the womb to this - calm (i.e. desperate) prayers unto the Lord to spare me a c-section, claiming Scriptures and maintaining my sanity as her due date came and went with no signs of labor. I had a c-section scheduled 10 days after my due date. When July 6th came, c-section it was. To say I was bummed is a huge understatement. I will say this though, I was ready the second time and at peace when I went under the knife (dramatic I know). Because even if I don't ever get a natural birth I will not let the joy of welcoming a child into the world be tainted by it.

Currently, 10 months later, I am still dealing with all this birth stuff. I'd like to tell you that I'm over it and more importantly, I'd like to tell God that I'm over it. I'd like to say that I don't get filled with immense sadness at the thought of having two or more children from c-section but I do. I'm not over it, I don't know how to get over it,and I'm not sure when I will be. It's a process, you know?

Stay tuned for part 2 of Last Night. I got kids to deal with!

Treasures of Darkness

I have recently come out of one of the hardest seasons of my life. I hated being in it but appreciated it for what it was...After it was over! I'll be honest, I complained a lot and fought God a lot and for those reasons, the season probably lasted longer than it could have. God was busy filling my treasure chest and I was busy complaining about how dark it was. There are always treasures in the darkness.

Isaiah 45:3
I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden riches of secret places,
That you may know that I, the LORD,
Who call you by your name,
Am the God of Israel.

God gave me this verse many years ago when I was very much struggling with anxiety and depression, and struggling to make my will prevail over God's. It was a hard season too. This verse was my shelter from the storms that raged against me. It was my promise that no matter how far I traveled into the valley of the shadow of death, God's purpose would prevail...AND that I would also receive revelation and blessing from the Lord in these darkest of times.

I am going to devote many blogs to sharing with you my treasures of darkness. These are to come soon, but for now I need to veg out with some netflix because I actually have some kid and husband free time on my hands. (Just being honest!)