Last Night - Part Two

In the midst of the baby drama Jeremiah lost his awesome and, supposedly, very stable job. Boo hiss. Praise the Lord we had advanced notice and so we moved in with my grandmother. It was free, we lived through the woods from my parents. Every person's dream I suppose. Then tragedy struck. Not really, I just wanted to be dramatic. What had happened WAS - what was supposed to be a 4 month stay, at the very longest, turned into an 11 month stay.

Since we have been married Jeremiah has had quite a few layoffs. Every time he lost his job God provided one right away. This time around when we found out he'd be soon unemployed, we prayed and thanked God for that job and started looking. I guess I thought I had God figured out in how he provided jobs for my husband. Turns out I didn't: here we are over a year later and still thanking God for "the job". I am not trivializing prayer and believing you have received. I am making fun of myself for thinking that I was going to get an answered prayer at the snap of my fingers. There were around 5 months when he literally had no work. And then it was 2 part time jobs. Which I guess "in the state of this economy" is doing good.

Let me set the record straight, we never went with out during that year. But this is about the darkness and I'm saving the blessings for later posts. I'm just letting you know what it was like in my heart. I loathed none of the blessings, but I loathed that time for what it was...And what it was is that we COULDN'T move out. We couldn't even tell her a potential move out date. I felt stuck and I was miffed again. How could God not provide us with "the job"!? What is He thinking sometimes!? I don't like being reliant on other people like that because I have no other choice. If I'm going to take hand outs let it be because I want to and not because I need to. My heart was (is) not pretty sometimes. Jeremiah would gently advise me to try and get used to this time, to enjoy this time. I'd tell him I didn't want to get used to it, I wanted out of it. What a man he is to put up with me!

Around Christmas we had family in for almost a month and it distracted me from my turmoil for awhile. But then they left I was back at the same place again. Mad. I got to the point where I couldn't pray about it anymore. Literally, I would just yell in my car or make some string of unintelligible noises. I called it the deep groaning of my heart that couldn't be expressed with words. You'd probably call it childish.

For months I'd been feeling on the verge of something...And it was NOT a break through. More like a breakdown. Everyone was asking if Jeremiah had got a job and I could hear (real or imagined) disdain in their voices towards the man I love for not supporting his family. People would advise me on how to advise him. I told God that I was tired and I couldn't handle it anymore. I was honest! I know sometimes we can handle more and we just don't want to. But I was fighting deep anger. The anxiety and depression I used to know was knocking on my door. I literally, with all my heart, KNOW I needed a break through.

So, I asked. And I received. Morning came. Thank you God!

When the Lord withholds you deep heart desires (and I'm not speaking of frivolous wants, but real serious legitimate desires of the heart)...And you haven't been giving the Lord what He deserves...You might get a darkness of your own. Or maybe the darkness didn't have to be darkness if I'd been in a right state of heart. Food for my thoughts and yours.

Happier reading to come :) Happy Mother's Day to alL!