Last Night - Part One

No, not last night literally...But the last season of night I just came out of.

I thought that before I started talking about the treasures I found there I should describe the night I found them in.

It started when we got married, but, thankfully in the end, had nothing to do with our marriage. Does that make sense? The state of our marriage had nothing to do with the darkness. Anyhow, before I got married life was easy and I had a very set routine for most of my days. Marriage and pregnancy threw that all off. I didn't have a set time to spend with the Lord anymore and I had lost the art of doing it as I went along my day. (Or more accurately surrendered the art as I don't think the devil can take anything like that unless we give it over.)

This next statement will sound dumb, but I promised I'd be honest. I chose to "slack" in my time with God. Jeremiah isn't a huge reader and I didn't want to seem like this super-spiritual wife who sat around and read my Bible all the time. I think that is where it started.

Then came the birth of Irie and it wasn't pretty. We prayed for a lot of things and had an awesome birth plan. In the end the only thing we got that we prayed for was a healthy baby. YES, I KNOW that is all that really matters. But sometimes we have desires for more than just what matters. (I mean, all that matters is that we have food and shelter right? But wouldn't you rather have your own home with a job to provide those things than live in a box somewhere and dig out of a garbage can?)

When I didn't get those desires it crushed me. What happened was that I ended up having a c-section. And not only was that like the worst possible scenario in my mind, it was a horrible experience. I welcomed my first born into the world half conscious and after 2-3 days of no sleep. I didn't get to enjoy my first weeks with her...Honestly, I don't even remember them much. Something I dreamed of (giving birth vaginally and joyfully) died and I was grieving. I had bad "baby blues" as they call it for about 6 weeks. I call it depression from the enemy. There is the legitimate side of it where your hormones are whacking you out, but there is the spiritual side where I wasn't prepared for what happened. I started dealing with it best I could - but both Jeremiah and I were slightly miffed with God. We knew we couldn't blame him but it was hard to reconcile that we had guilt in the ways things went. You may or may not agree on that topic of it all being God's will...and I don't care. I know that I was tired in the end of labor with Irie. Jeremiah got scared for me and I got scared for Irie. We made decisions out of that fear and that is that. We could have made the same decisions in peace and had the same results. It would still be hard, but at least I'd know we were in the clear.

Well, if you don't know, then now you do - once you've had a c-section the worlds says your doomed for more and the doctors will never induce you on any lever. In fact one friend told me that after her first c-section at age 20, the doctors asked her if she wanted her "tubes tied" while they were in there!?! I've never used this before, but I think it applies - WTF. I know, can you believe I typed that? I can't.
So, sticking with our convictions about having children and birth control, I got pregnant again when Irie was 7 months old - and I was bound and determined to not have another c-section. I will condense Scarlet's 9 months in the womb to this - calm (i.e. desperate) prayers unto the Lord to spare me a c-section, claiming Scriptures and maintaining my sanity as her due date came and went with no signs of labor. I had a c-section scheduled 10 days after my due date. When July 6th came, c-section it was. To say I was bummed is a huge understatement. I will say this though, I was ready the second time and at peace when I went under the knife (dramatic I know). Because even if I don't ever get a natural birth I will not let the joy of welcoming a child into the world be tainted by it.

Currently, 10 months later, I am still dealing with all this birth stuff. I'd like to tell you that I'm over it and more importantly, I'd like to tell God that I'm over it. I'd like to say that I don't get filled with immense sadness at the thought of having two or more children from c-section but I do. I'm not over it, I don't know how to get over it,and I'm not sure when I will be. It's a process, you know?

Stay tuned for part 2 of Last Night. I got kids to deal with!