An open door...

Usually I am writing about serious topics, but sometimes we need a change of scenery...So, here's some scenery to picture:

A living room that was relatively clean. A living room that was no longer clean but destroyed. A spare room of Christmas decorations, toys and art supplies.... Specifically a large bag of colored feathers my mother-in-law bought me for crafting. A door my children should never enter alone. A door I accidentally left open when I went out yesterday in a hurry. Two children whose father assumed since they were playing quietly, they were playing in their own room. Two children who are more like tornadoes than human beings and a father who was playing video games. One very pregnant woman who loathes crawling around on the floor cleaning. One very pregnant mother who has been on top of keeping the house cleaned and recleaned and rerecleaned...

That's a beautiful picture I just painted for you, huh? That is what I came home to yesterday. I felt like someone was playing a mean trick on me when I saw the living room. But then my eyes rested upon some play dough toys which I knew for a fact were locked in the nursery....But were they? No, because I left the door open. So I look into the nursery and find a flock of colorful birds has been defeathered at my feet. No not really, just an 18 month old meeting the bag of feathers. Every marker was open, all the nativity pieces scattered abroad. And my good mood I had waltzed in with, it was gone. I could have taken a picture but it wouldn't have done the mess justice.

Was I mad at the kids? For once, no. Was I mad at my spouse? You bet. Was I mad at myself? Oh yeah! So what did I do? Allowed myself to be boggled by the chaos, to shake my head in disbelief. I fumed for 3 hours.

I ask you, is there meaning in all madness?

Minister

Last night I was laying in bed with my husband...This is noteworthy because we rarely go to bed at the same time. He, being a night owl, and me, being a tired pregnant woman who cherishes every 8 hour stretch of sleep I can get. Anyhow, Jeremiah wasn't in a particularly friendly mood because he had to get up early this morning and I think he'd just got his butt kicked in some ps3 gaming - so it wasn't one of those chatty, cuddly lay in bed times. It was a turn the light off and be quiet night. But hey, we were going to sleep at the same time so I didn't complain...Yeah right! My flesh wanted to grumble silently, but thankfully my spirit won that battle. So instead, I found myself praying for him.

See, my husband's job is not glamorous and it is not the best of pay. It is cold, hard work and I'm sure if he could go and do just about anything else he would. But for now, J chooses to be content in these circumstances. I'm proud to brag on him - he's got his eyes on the prize. It didn't happen over night, but he's come to realize that there is more to a job than a good pay and enjoyment; there is a ministry and a calling. While he views his responsibility to provide for us as highly important, we both have come to view God's love for others as more important. We could have kept searching and searching for an awesome pay job that J loved, which was my prayer for awhile. But God's heart got the best of us. I love when that happens. (And, when we starting having God's heart, he blessed us with a pay raise at a job that I claimed "would never give raises".)

Jeremiah works with people who are diamonds waiting to be discovered...Caterpillars waiting to be wrapped up and meta morphed...Seeds hiding in the cold of winter waiting for spring. I know all people fit this description in some sense, but believe me, some more than others. They are written off as delinquents and slackers and crazies, and those are the nicer of the terms. They weren't fathered by men of integrity or mothered by women of gentleness. J has this amazing gift to relate to people and see them as God does. Something that I long for more and more. He sees them as God does, and not as this world. And so he forges these relationships with people that other's just write off. Twice this week his co-workers have called to just chat or ask for help or pour out their heart. I have listened to him be a friend - I have listened to him minister.

It is humbling when we realize that the responsibilities that are most base to our positions in life, or our existence, are more than just responsibilities. I know this, and I've known this. But last night laying in bed it was a fresh revelation. For me, God reminded me that I'd forgotten my role as wife and mother and daughter and sister are my foremost ministries. It is easy to let our church ministries distract us from it...Or let the repetition of the acts of cooking dinner, changing diapers or disciplining our kiddos seem to be just what they are: acts. But they aren't - they are good works prepared in advance for us by our Father.

Today, let us be reminded that in all things God has a purpose for us, a chance for us to minister and advance His kindgom. In Jeremiah's case it may be chatting about movies with an older man who lost his son many years ago. In my case it may be the gentleness of my voice when I remind my children what is right and wrong. I hope God shows you what it is for you as well.

God's Way

What does it really mean to choose God's way over this world's or our own???
Originally I thought of titling this God's Way or the Hard Way...But that is false because sometimes (many times...most of the time!?) choosing God's way is way harder than choosing our own way.

I'll get right to the main thing that I have discovered when faced with the decision to choose my own way or God's way:

God's way is no guarantee of harder or easier - it is our guarantee that we become more like Jesus in God's timing rather than our own...And for the record our timing would take a heck of a lot longer. In essence, God's way is NOT about what is easier for us, or making life hard to teach us a lesson. It is about what is BEST. And not only about what is best for us, but for our spouses, and our children, for our extended family, for the Church as invidiual churches and as an international whole, for the lost and dying world we live in...And above all, God's way is about His glory, which is always first and foremost on His mind.

Now, I'd like to say His glory is always first and foremost on my mind, but then you'd know I was lying. I'd like to say that it is even the fourth or fifth thing I think of when I am vacillating a big decisions. But no, usually I remember after much deliberation and such.

I'd also like to say that I think this is one of the main reasons God inserted Romans 12:1-2 in the Scriptures. There are many things people say with good intention and many things we see as right or acceptable or "how its done" because of the culture we were raised in or by influence of this crazy world. Sometimes how we see things line up with God's word, but really, most of the time they probably don't (at first). That's why it is VITALLY important for us to become questioners and wonderers. For me, to question and wonder is by nature. Ask Jeremiah, I drive him nuts asking him a billion question. I want to know everything about everything. I want to know why we do things, why I do things. Satan would have us as cookie cutter-minded running around doing what everyone tells us. God calls us to "not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind". And the result is this: "Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." I don't know about you but the fight, pain and diligence it takes to break us out of our old way of thinking is way worth the result of knowing what His will is for us. Some people are under the impression that His will is evasive and we can't really know what He has planned for us. Malarkey!!! These verses say we can and it also says it in 1 Cor. 2:9-10 (focus on verse 10).

Let me give you some examples from my own life. For Jeremiah and I choosing God's way has been saying no to birth control pills. (And note, this is God's way for us, and I don't want anyone to think I am pushing our ideals on others.) There are many things God did in our hearts before we even met that made us compatible on this decision. Popping a pill and timing your kids would have been ideal for me, someone who had a business degree and could make big bucks...Someone who loves to travel and do a jillion things at once. But, God's way for us was something different than we imagined. And I won't say that us having 3 kids back to back (starting with getting pregnant 2 weeks into our marriage) was all because of not taking a pill. Obviously we are a little looser with our prevention methods in other areas, and a little more carefree on the timing of our kids. But I also think that is a result of God showing us He has something different for us. This pregnancy was definitely a surprise and we did try not to get pregnant. Hey, God had different plans! Has it been easy to have 3 kids close together? No! After Scarlet was born you may recall that I temporarily lost my sanity. I'd describe it as something in me breaking. And from that crack, things began surfacing. Things that made me see myself in a new way (not a good way). But things that have caused me to change and change and change. Change as a spouse, a mother, a daughter, a friend...And these changes have made me become more like Christ.

On the same topic, I have friends who have been married for longer than Jeremiah and I. They don't prevent pregnancy, but they have yet to conceive. They long for children, but they also, and more so, long for God's plan for their lives. For a few of a people I know, this means no fertility testing or treatments. They wait on God. God's way for them is not easy. But I KNOW they are becoming more Christ like. I see it in them. Friends of mine waited 12 years to conceive. Their son is now Scarlet's age. They never saw a fertility specialist. They never doubted they would be parents. Other people told them to get over it, let it go. That never crossed their mind. To me, they are my modern day Abraham and Sarah (without all the sending your husband to sleep with the maidservant stuff!).

All this to say that even in specific areas of life, God's way looks different for people who look the same. While I cannot venture to say why God does what He does, I do know that I think it is about us as individuals, and our marriages and our families and again, the Church and this world. And all of us are in different areas of life, with different areas of ministry and influence. We ask Him for His will but we forget that it is not just about us. He takes everyone into consideration.

In closing, I leave you with John 15:9
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love."
God loved Jesus, yet He asked Him to leave heaven, live in our dirty world, hide his Glory for 30 years, and then submit himself to our hands in death. That is how Christ loves us. And what He calls us to do or be, no matter what it looks like, is about things so much bigger than ourselves. It's humbling.

Reconciliation

This week God showed me what true reconciliation looks like - I'd like to share, so keep reading!

Reconciled: (according to blueletterbible.com concordance from Matt. 5:24)

1) to change

2) to change the mind of anyone, to reconcile

3) to be reconciled, to renew friendship with one

Reconcile: (according to dictionary.com)

1. to win over to friendliness; cause to become amicable: to reconcile hostile persons.

2. to compose or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.).

3. to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent: to reconcile differing statements; to reconcile accounts.

4. to reconsecrate (a desecrated church, cemetery, etc.).

What does reconciliation look like between two people?

For the sake of time, I will list Scripture references so you can double check my word (Matt. 5:23-24, 1 Cor. 7:11, 2 Cor. 5:17-19 just a few)...When I read about reconciliation it is about more than an apology for a wrong, it is about peace in a relationship that was once not at peace. I think true reconciliation starts with seeking forgiveness, but ends somewhere far different than what we have come to accept as the norm. Are the common things that cause problems between people acceptable reasons for a friendship/relationship to end (James 4:1)? Some examples from my own life that I can think of are business relationships with friends gone bad, romantic relationships gone bad, family members hurting each other...I know that sometimes we have to distance ourselves from a person for a time, or for good and that is the wise thing to do. But I think situations where this is needed are far and few in between. Yet, how many times do we just cut our losses with someone because things got hard or complicated?

The reason I am talking about all this is because reconciliation is something I have longed for in my life. On my end, at least, I want to do everything possible to be at peace with people, especially those with which I have had a history of "war". In my very first blog I wrote of being engaged when I was 18. We dated on and off for about 3 years. I know it hurt both of us deeply to be in such a traumatic relationship with no stability. Though at the time, I didn't accept responsibility for my part - it took me awhile to see that I even had a part. When he finally broke up with me, it took me awhile to accept the fact that things were really over, since we'd been on and off. And it took me even longer to start healing from loosing something I thought would be life-long. We tried to be friends in the aftermath, but it was too much for me. It was not healthy - I could not heal and be friends. So, I ended any relationship we had. Not because I wanted to but because I needed to. People told me to stay away from him, especially when I started dating Jeremiah. Then when I was married, they said stay away because you need to guard your marriage. When I got married I still had baggage, and Jeremiah, being the awesome man that he is, respected that healing takes longer than we want sometimes. I didn't love my ex-fiance anymore, not in the ways that would hinder a marriage. But how can you stop caring completely about someone that you were once willing to commit yourself to "until death do us part"? I'm human, and I can't. Not unless I had made myself less than human in my emotions and become detached, which is not healthy either.

It grieved my heart and soul to know that I would never be friends with someone so amazing. After all, if we hadn't been crazy and listened to everyone who told us to stop, not to mention God, things would not have gotten so out of hand that we couldn't be friends. It was our fault. I hated it. I don't think there should be anything that happens like that between believers that we should not be willing to work through. But there I was, the victim of a vicious "war".

I had been talking to God and my husband about my desire for reconciliation. A little over a year ago I felt that it was time to seek it. But I didn't even know what it would look like and did I mention my ex-fiance lives across the world now? I knew I had God's go ahead and I had my incredible husband's blessing as well. Being the godly man that he is, he looked past all my horror stories from that relationship and saw in my ex what I saw once too - a cool guy. So I emailed him. It was awkward. We started over. We filled each other in on our selves. We talked about old friends and family and our new lives. I was open and honest (not something that is terribly hard for me, but given the situation...). There were months in between correspondences, but it was casual and peaceful. I told him that Jeremiah and I would love to have him for dinner when he was stateside. A few weeks ago I got a call, he was here and he accepted. He and his sister, my long time friend, came for dinner on Monday. So there we were, me, my husband, my friend and my ex-fiance/now just friend at the table with my 2 girls. And it was a beautiful picture to my soul. We caught up, talked, laughed, joked and I had a really good time.

That is what reconciliation looks like to me. When my husband and I can sit in complete peace with someone that once rendered my heart useless and talk like old friends...Because you are old friends. From this point forth, I no longer refer to him as my ex-fiance, but as my friend. If we are truly reconciled to someone the past has no bearing on the present.

Jamaica Day 5...Heading Home

Day 5 was a half day there and a half day here...Here a half day, there a half day, everywhere a half day. Kidding.
I got up early after another unsuccessful night of sleep. I am comforted by Paul's words in 2 Cor. 6:5...he writes that as servants of God we give ourselves to God "in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger". I spent time with Mommy Collins before I left. Andre, my Jamaican brother, cooked me breakfast. He has such a servant heart. I love chatting with Mommy. I stand corrected on her age as she is on 80. It was Daddy Collins who was the oldest. Mommy's passion for the Lord is so beautiful. She has one leg and a bum shoulder and says "I can't help but hope better days are coming". I love it. She prayed over me before I left and that had to be one of the best parts of the trip.
At the Montego Bay airport and was continually ripped off in order to feed myself and my sweet unborn child :)
The flight home was seemingly long, but only 2.5 hours. I was restless and ready to see my family.

Jeremiah and I stopped and got Scarlet a mini cake and balloons for her birthday. My kids were out in the yard playing when I got home. I promised myself I wouldn't cry when I saw them so they wouldn't get confused and think I was sad. I managed not to cry, but seeing them run toward me screaming "mommy!" was priceless. I couldn't stop snuggling with them all night. I immediately gave the girls their presents from abroad and we had cake. After the girls were in bed I could barely keep my eyes opened so I crashed.

Home again, home again, jiggedy jig.

Reflections on my mini vacation soon to come.

Jamaica Day 3

Day 3...It was off to a rough start. Though I had a decent night's sleep, it wasn't looking good for Keisha and I to get her debts paid off. She was supposed to have work off but then was asked to come in because a cruise ship was docking. Extra money, you know? But when she called to ask her boss if she could come in late so we could go by the stores and pay stuff off he said no...And in quite clear terms that if she came in late, she could have the whole week off. A threat or what? So, she was upset but I just said "relax mon"...Kidding :) I know we have God's favor so I just waited around. When it looked like nothing would work, her boss called back and said she could get off early. So, she got off work and met me in Ocho Rios at 3:45...One store closed at 4 and the other 4:30. We made it just in the nic of time - praise the Lord! I also gave her money to pay off the past due water bill. So, she is virutally a debt free woman. That is incredible.
When I found out Keisha was going into work I decided to take my stuff up to Bamboo early in the morning so I could have the rest of the day free. It took me about 1 1/2 hours to get there. To say I enjoy staying up in Bamboo and spending time with Mommy Collins would be the understatement of the century. If you've never had the pleasure of meeting her, that is just one more thing you have to look forward to in heaven. She and I chatted for a bit, she fed me, and then I napped for 2 hours...SOOOO needed. (I sound like a kid!?) Then I headed off to Ocho Rios to meet Keisha with a rumbling and angry storm on my heels...Literally. I was walking the mile down the mountain with the thunder crashing around me and the rain close behind. I also got to see Shadah again in Ocho Rios. I got some souvenirs for the family. My favorite find was Dora flip flops for Irie for $3...The don't sell kids flips for cheap here and I'd been dying to get her some. (As you all must know, I HEART flip flops.) She has been wearing them since I gave them to her yesterday.
Anyways, after I left Ocho Rios, I headed back up to Bamboo and spent time with my friend Karen and her family. I stayed until dark, just enough time to see two kids have a head on collision, literally, with their heads. Lots of blood, and hopefully, stitches to follow. She and her sister walked me up to the house (about a mile in the dark with the light of a cellphone and lots of mud). Then they stayed and hung out for a while. I also got to see my good friend Shaneel, Mommy's granddaughter. In the past I have roomed with her.
I took a very cold and cold shower....
Going to cut this one short, due to some pregnancy related sickness from smelly poopy diapers...you figure that out. It was the end of the day anyways.

Jamaica Day 3

Good morning to all.
I finally got a good nights sleep. I don't know how, but I did and I'm not complaining. I even woke up early and went back to sleep for a bit. Praise the Lord.
I probably slept so well because I wore myself out yesterday. Yesterday (Day 3) I went to work with Keisha at Dolphin Cove. A really popular tourist attraction here. You can swim with dolphins, touch stingrays...etc. I didn't get to fulfill my life long dream of swimming with dolphins because I'm pregnant and dolphans can detect babies, as in they see like a sonogram. Crazy huh? Any how, I did get to have a dolphin jump out of the water and lay in front of me so I could touch her. She was beautiful and a full blooded Jamaican dolphin :) I held a stingray and snorkled. I kayaked and rode in a mini motor boat. I got some sun and payed and arm and a leg for some amazing all-you-can-eat Jamaican buffet, because I was famished. I participated in the entertainment and won a picture frame for saying "where are you going" in an almost perfect Jamaican dialect :) Then it started raining. I could see it coming down th coast from Ocho Rios. So I waited about an hour until it passed and left. God blessed me with a nice tour bus driver (air conditioning) who took me into Ochi. I shoped at the open markets and got my kids and mother-in-law their presents. I ate some beef patties because I was starving, again...The avoidables of pregnancy! Then I decided to walk to my friend Shadah's house to see if she was home because I don't think I'll have much time to go for visiting today. Then, when I could do no more, I walked to the taxi depot and came home. I showered and it felt SO good. Then I basically kept myself awake for 2 hours because it didn't seem right to go to bed at 6 o'clock. Keisha was beat too, from the long day at work. She works as a videographer for when people are swimming with the dolphins and such. A lot of walking up and down in the sun and rain. I am learning from the staff there that the staff isn't taked care of too well. No allotted breaks, and no where for the staff to buy inexpensive food or get some water. It's crazy.
Now I am up and at 'em with a nice bowl of fruit loops in my stomach. That's right. I ate the ant infested fruit loops! I set the out side for a bit and the ants left.
Today I am going with Keisha to pay off her debts, and the water bill. Then I am traveling up to Mommy Collins in Bamboo to stay my last night and spend time with my friends there. I don't know if I'll get to blog more before I leave...If not, I'll update tomorrow night when I am home. I miss my hubby and my kids. Strangely enough, I miss Jeremiah more. This is where I fell in love with him 4 years ago, not because he was here, but because he wasn't here with me and I missed him so much I realized life isn't as good when he's not with me. And, so I am reminded again of my need for my better half :)

Jamaica Day 2

Yesterday was great. I cooked myself breakfast, enjoying the goodness of God manifested by lack of pregnancy sickness! That's right, my first day here, I had no nasuea. It was a miracle and it was what I had been praying for. I can only hope the same for today, but as you might have seen on facebook, my morning snack of fruit loops was found vulnerable by tiny sugar ants. I won't be eating them anymore.
My whole day was spent with my 4 1/2 year old godson, Kevaughn. Isn't that ironic since I always say I don't know what to do with boys :) Keisha was going to have to pay to put him in daycare...I could hear Jeremiah in my mind "you're there to minister to her, not just have fun". And so, off I went in a country I'm not used to with a boy I'm not used to. We took 3 taxis...Exchange to Ocho Rios...Ocho Rios to St. Anns Bay...St. Anns Bay up the mtn. to Bamboo where Mommy Collins lives. Then we walked the extra mile to the top of the mountain to see Mommy. We also ran into my other friends in Bamboo on the way. How I miss that mile walk. I got to witness the annual occourance of white butterflies. They only hatch one week out of the year, and though I'm here at the end of the week, there were still houndreds upon hundreds to be seen in the farmers' fields. Kevaughn and I saw lots of animals, quite the excitement for a 4 year old. And so the mile walk took twice as long because we had to marvel at each cow, goat, sheep, horse and donkey we passed :)
The time spent with Mommy was sweet. She is still the most solid woman I know. She is nearly to her 90's I believe, and she has only one leg left now. She is a widow and she has know much suffering. But she still cries openly when she thinks on the goodness of God. She blesses my coming and going with words of the Lord and wisdom. I saw her other family members, and people I consider family.
Kevaughn got restless so we headed down the mountain back to Ocho Rios. We ate lunch at Mother's (akin to McD.). There was a massive rainstorm coming so we hightailed to my friend Shadah's house. She wasn't home so I waited with her family and watched some Lifetime shows. I watch more Lifetime in Jamaica then any where else combined. They love that channel here. Shadah came and we talked for awhile. Kevaughn kicked one of his flip flops in to a neighbors yard and we counted it lost after a vigorous search. So, Shadah and I went to the market to get new "slippers" and some produce for Keisha's house. When we got back we saw Kevy had found his slipper. Oy vey.
Met Keisha in the city to get some more groceries. Taxied to her house. Cooked, ate, attempted sleep. Sleep is not something that comes easily as of late in general...And appareantly especially not here. Oh well, God is good and He is my strength not a good night's rest.
Much love until tomorrow.

Jamaica Day 1

Well, I've been on the island for half a day. I have recquainted with my old friends, the mosquitos. Just to show me how much they missed me they sucked my blood all night long :) I was told that I shouldn't use bugspray while pregnant because it has Deet. But I'm fearing low blood supply may be worse than Deet poisening. Kidding. I sat next to a really sweet couple on the flight yesterday. They made time pass because I was all restless with excitement. The flight was delayed because all of AirTrans computer systems went down and we had to wait until they were up since we were an international flight. Good times! So, I finally land and I find my ride, Dillon. He is an awesome, God-fearing man. We talked about our lives and the goodness of God for over 2 hours on the trip into Ocho Rios. I arrived at Keisha's house tired and famished. The true signs of a traveling pregnant woman. So, we walked to the store (about 10 feet up the street) and I bought some groceries, which I will go cook straight after this. I went to bed early but probably didn't sleep until 1 ish. Did I mention that in Jamaica everyone stays up late. When I first layed down there were at least 5 different radio stations being blasted in all directions around the house...A few men singing along. And taxis honking their horns as they sped past. A sure sign that I was home. Although, I'm not used to sleeping with noise so it took me a bit to really sleep. I feel rested though, thanks God! And, I don't feel really nasueasous as I have. Praises all around. More writing tomorrow about my day today.
Blessings to all and peace on you.

When God Moves - My Testimony of God's AWESOMENESS

If you have your ears turned towards God's mouth, your eyes turned towards His face...This will be true.

When God moves, you will not have to wonder...
When God moves, it will be clear as a bell.

I hear people say this: when God closes a door, He opens a window. (I hear it in a deep southern accent...I guess that's the Baptist in me.)

Let me ask you something? Where is that in the Bible?? Recently I gave key duty to my two year old and in the 12 inches between the inside and outside of the house she drops the keys (unbeknown to me) and I lock the door and close it. BAM, I'm locked out -- I know this immediately because I say "where are the keys"? Irie's classic answer, "huh"? Well, that was surely a door closed. And I had to find a window. It happened to be the one overlooking the kitchen table. It was not a comfy experience to climb up to the window and down onto the kitchen table in a space that small. I got some spider webs, a scratch and a busted screen.

Is that what God is like when He moves for His children? Not in my experience. If God closes a door it is for our good, and for 2 reasons....1. what we wanted wasn't best for us or 2. He has something better.

This is my new thoughts about doors and windows...When God wants to take you somewhere. He can build a wall out of nothing to make it look like all hope is lost, and then He can also cut a door into that wall miraculously and show you Who is Who. Think on Lazarus (thanks Monica!) - Jesus waited until Lazarus was dead before He went. He didn't want to heal Lazarus, He wanted to ressurect him!!

This is my personal testimony of God's goodness. If you've been reading my posts you know I've been having a time of it. Money is short, and I feel like my sanity is shorter.

Two weeks ago: I found out I was pregnant with Baby #3. Let me tell you, it was a shocker. It has rocked my mind and my world. I'm still in shock. My main thoughts (remember I promised you honesty) were that now we can't go to California for Christmas and now we'll have to put off going to Jamaica for another 2+ years. If you've read my posts then you know how much I love Jamaica. We'd decided that we'd go next summer, God willing. Well, that wasn't going to happen now.

Sunday morning: I'm having a hard time. The nasuea is all day and I'm tired as heck. This is my prayer as I'm gazing out the window..."God, I need something big to happen. I need a surprise. But a good one. One of those things that I could never have imagined even if I tried. I need it because I am so overwhelmed by life right now that I don't know what to do".

Sunday at noon: After church my church leader, comes up to me and says "we had a meeting yesterday and we really want to help your friend". Brief history here. My best friend in Jamaica, Keisha, is having a harder time of it. She had to buy a stove and fridge on credit to be able to take care of her son. But the bills are too much and he had to go live with his dad. She's got no money, and even now the power is off. I asked my church if they would consider paying off her debt so she can breathe a little and take care of her son. So, they decided to. I'm almost in tears as he tells me this. Then, out of no where he asks me if I would like them to FLY ME TO JAMAICA and give her the money in person. HELLO? WHAT?! Would I ever like someone to fly me to Jamaica! So there I am balling my eyes out because God just built a door in a wall I know for sure He created just to show His awesomeness. I'm getting my hearts desires and I feel like I just won the lottery. Except this means millions more than that. I get to see my loved ones there...And that place makes me feel alive in a way I need to make it through these next 9 months. Thanks God!

Today: I just booked my flight. I am going next Friday for 5 days. God already took care of the details because my mother in law just happened to be flying in for 2 weeks :) I am living in a state of ecstasy :)

Beauty is Fleeting...

When I am old in years, wise in the ways of this world, and physically decrepit...No one is going to remember or care whether or not I had a tiny belly bulge from carrying two children to term, or if my arms had acne, or if my eyes had dark circles, or if I wore make correctly. Either I will be loved for my love for life and the joy I bring to people, or I will be despised for my lingering existence because I am grumpy and ornery. If people do remember something of me, it will not be my physical beauty at age 26, but the way I loved people, and the things I did for God and the legacy I hope to leave my future relatives.

I have a Jamaican Mommy. She is one the most selfless people I know, most godly women and good wife/mother. She is old and hunched over, she has chin hairs. She is, to me, the most beautiful old woman I have ever seen. She cooked me breakfast every morning I stayed in her house and she verbally blessed me every time I went out.

There is a little girl down the street named Bella. She is seven and beautiful and so sweet. She loves singing and her mom tells me that she makes up songs all the time. (Reminds me of myself when I was little). She is also a big little girl. Not overweight, just baby fat that hasn't gone yet. Her mom was that way too. I think she is adorable. Her friends told me that she gets made fun of at school and they call her chubby. Not many will be her friend. Her friends even get made fun of for being her friend. She has so much to offer people and chances are that not many children her age will receive it until they are much older. All those kids see is a chubby kid who doesn't fit the stereotype they have learned to accept.

I have been pondering much on vanity, and I invite you do to the same.

The Bible says that beauty is fleeting. Yet, so many of us spend SO much time and money trying to make ourselves look younger and better...To make ourselves fit into some image that this world has convinced us is more worthwhile our time than perfecting our inner beauty. I have fallen victim to this trap, though I am trying my hardest to rid myself of vanity.

The Bible also says that a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. It doesn't say that about a woman that is beautiful. If we live our lives focused more on the unseen that the seen then we will become beautiful in ways that will outlast the physical beauty we now possess. We can not stop the aging process. God says that outwardly we are wasting away every day. Yet, inwardly, we are being renewed...That is, if, we are allowing our minds to be renewed from the lies of this world.

This world is in desperate need of true beauty. Of something that is still there when the wrinkles appear and the streaks of gray start showing. A beauty that will not fade with our hair color or our girlish figures. Let us focus on our hearts and ask God to show us what is in them that makes us too focused on things that don't matter.

** I want to insert a disclaimer. I don't think there is anything wrong with dolling ourselves up. You're more likely to attract friends and ministry opportunities looking clean and well kept than otherwise. You're spouse will probably appreciate it as well. What I am suggesting is that we renew our minds to focus on the beauty that God values and spend more of our time pampering the part of us that we can change, that the parts that are out of our control. I suggest we work out to take care of our bodies so we are around more years, as opposed to working out to achieve our prepregnancy weight or to fit an image we saw in a magazine.

P.S. I made a vow years ago to never dye my hair again. In fact, I can't wait to have gray hair. I think it is beautiful.

The Black Pearl (Treasures of Darkness)

Treasure #2 ...

The Black Pearl...and no, this isn't a ship manned by Johnny Depp.

What is a pearl? It is a tiny grain of sand in an oyster that,when put under great pressure and given a long time, turns into a priceless beauty. 

What is a Black Pearl you may ask? ...Well, my Black Pearl is angry frustration... or frustrated anger. However you please. It is deeply rooted in my heart and newly found in this season. I believe the grain of sand that started it is genetic...hereditary...generational (whether physically or spiritually, or both...I'm not sure how all that works yet). And it took my whole life to surface. And it took a situation of great pressure to bring it out: having two children 16 months apart. The first child was the model child. The second, well God bless her, she took a little time to grow on me. We tell people that we have two children and they are night and day. What I fail to mention is that Irie was the day and then came Scarlet, the night :) I love her as a mother loves the fruit of her womb, but there were a few months when I was sure she was going to break the fine string of sanity in my heart. Every few days I glory in the fact that I have made it almost a year with two kids.

I used to consider myself an extremely relaxed person. I did until Scarlet was born. I don't know what happened but within a few weeks of her birth I started to see something really nasty surfacing in myself. I couldn't control it, it would come out of seeming nowhere. It would sweep over me and in the aftermath I was thinking what the heck is wrong with me. It was more than changing hormones and lack of sleep. It was anger pure and simple. Still, I have trouble controlling it. If I am going into a situation where I think I might have an issue I'll tell myself, "Self, you don't need to get all worked up about". But sometimes, it happens anyways and while my flesh is ranting and raving, my spirit is wondering what happened with that pep talk.

It has taken me awhile to even to begin to understand this side of me. (Because to rid myself of it I have to understand it.) Scarlet was endowed with the same stubborn streak that I have. From birth she has been strong willed. She cried out of anger many times even as an infant. It rocked my world. (Insert here that I can count on one hand the number of times Irie cried as a baby.) I tell you this about Scarlet because I believe being faced with an individual challenging my strong will, a child I can't control, tripped up my angry wire.

Anyhow, I call this a treasure because in essence it is a blessing that it has come to the surface. I say this because it was in me and I didn't know. But now I know and I can get rid of it. And getting rid of it stops that generational thing going on. And being aware helps me relate to others struggling, and it makes me more understanding and compassionate. It makes me more like Him. 

I also want to add here that if you have a Black Pearl then I think it is really important to find the root. As I mentioned I think mine began before I began. I have some relatives who are known for their anger and their relatives were known for their anger. Let's keep our oysters clean of those grains of sands.

The Looking Glass (Treasures of Darkness)

Treasure Number One (and these are in no specific order)...

The Looking Glass: the priceless gift of seeing yourself for who you truly are, and who you truly aren't.

And I'd like to add, that in place of priceless I could insert painful, or humbling or wonderful...You get the idea.

I have been writing and rewriting this...Trying to find a way to convey things correctly. This treasure is hard for me to put into words, for whatever the reason.

I used to see myself very poorly. I saw myself only through my own eyes and not the eyes of others or the eyes of God. I'm not talking about struggling with my identity as a believer. I know who I am in that aspect. I am talking about being blind to my many character flaws and imperfections.

In this season I have discovered God showing me things about myself that I had no idea were there... Showing me things that are rugged and untended to. In this season I have not felt glorious or beautiful. I have a heightened awareness of the unglamorous things I carry around in this body. This is the process of "being saved". Yes, I found salvation at 12 years old, but the "being saved" that the Bible refers to is a life-time thing. It is becoming less.

Since I promised honesty, here are a few things I have seen in myself. Some of them have been there and I played the denial card. Some I had no idea about and just happened to surface. Some I knew of but didn't know how to fix.

- I am highly judgmental. I think I knew of this but I pretended that I wasn't. I pretended like it was justified, or I called by other names. You know what happens when you judge others? You get judged. God has placed me in many circumstances where I have felt judged. Thus, I reaped what I sowed.
- I forgot the place of my husband. He should be up there right after God. Instead I gave him third place (after the kids), and sometimes fourth (after myself). I saw attitudes in myself towards him that were not right. I prayed and ask God to show me why and how to change. Having 2 kid back to back can wear a woman out. Heck, having two kids at anytime can wear you out! At the end of a day I don't have much love or energy left to pour out on Jeremiah. I don't feel like making him lunch for the next day and I don't feel like being intimate. When we first got married I considered those things (and many others) a joy and honor, not a duty or responsibility. When my love fails, I must be walking with the Lord to have supernatural love to pour out on J.
- I have been prideful. I've done many things I said I'd never do. One of them being having a baby through medicaid. I thought that was for people who took advantage of the system. However, after having one c-section, I was told by private ins. reps that the deductible for a c-section is $15,000.00 dollars. That is right folks. Probably more than a c/s actually costs. I don't like eating my words.
- I thought I was really good at trusting the Lord. It is a lot easier to trust him when you have no kids and your savings account is full. In this aspect, it has also revealed a lot of unresolved fears. In the message at church yesterday our leader, Carl, was quoted as having said, "All fears are rooted in an insecurity".

Well, those are just 4. There are a lot more.

It is very humbling to see yourself. But when God gives you a looking glass you'd better look very carefully because chances are there is something He's really trying to show you. And it is NOT you.

When I look in mine, I see myself.
But I'm fading out and I see someone else.
He is the one that makes what I see okay.
I cannot see myself clearly unless it is in reference to Christ.

I am a lot of very awesome things. And I am a lot of very horrible things. In this season I see myself clearly. It is not as a royal princess swept away by her Prince. It is as Cinderella felt when Prince Charming realized her position but still loved her. He made her royalty.

Don't be discouraged if you are displeased with the person you see in the mirror. We are messes, but lovely messes. God is stripping us of the things that are unfruitful so we become more like Him. And by doing so, He dims our own image in the Looking Glass so we can see His likeness more and our own less.

Isaiah 40:1-5 highlight..."The crooked places shall be made straight and the rough places smooth; the glory of the LORD shall be revealed..."

Poetry

Become...

Let us become what we desire,
And in doing so create the loveliest attire,
To adorn the neck of this wasting earth:
A strand of pearls; unimagined worth.

Let us become what we had dreamed,
Revealing the lesser as just what it seemed.
And mourn no longer the things we lost,
For what's coming surely is equal the cost.

Let us become what we could not;
In our own power we birthed dust and rot.
Yet now we stand before a time in need,
As gold and silver and other precious things.

Maria Duran (c)May 20, 2010

The Scary Question...

I'm serious. God asked me the same question this week and followed it up with big ole "Why?". I heard him in the stillness of my heart after I had been praying and contemplating some things.

For me, the answer has been yes.

I've heard it preached many times that our enemy can only gain ground in us in two ways 1. doubt and 2. fear. This morning our church leader, gave a very powerful message. He said this: If God allowed Jesus to go to the cross and allowed Paul to be put in prison, He sure doesn't mind allowing us to go through some troubles in order to teach us something. Perspective my friends. That is what I have been needing a major dose of.

Here is why I get afraid of the dark. I loose control...At least, I loose whatever control I perceived I had - because in reality, I have little control over very little. If I am who I call myself - a follower of Christ then I submit to His authority in my life. His authority is prompted by a deeper love and wisdom and understanding...need I mention PURPOSE...than I can grasp if I spent my whole life trying. To submit to Him is to trust Him - that no matter what He allows to come our way that it is for our good. AND, more importantly, it is for His glory. Which, should be our main concern. But, speaking from experience, my main concern becomes myself and why He isn't doing this or that. And why it isn't done in my timing. It SHOULD NOT be so scary to loose control. In fact, we should have to be put in a position where we feel we loose it. Control should be something we freely give if we truly believe God is who He says He is in His word.

After this most recent darkness in my life I have come to this conclusion. God does not allow the dark to bring us treasures. The treasures I will soon write of are the icing on the cake. God allows these dark times to make us MORE LIKE HIM. He never looses sight of the prize or what He allowed His son to be crucified for. He strips us down and causes us to bare our souls, first to ourselves, and then to Him. We must see ourselves for who we are and what we are, to truly understand who He is and what He has done for us. He disciplines us because of His deep love for us. We should not feel abandoned in those times (as I have been guilty of); we should know we are being deeply loved.

I say we embrace the dark seasons.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil;
For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:8,11

Last Night - Part Two

In the midst of the baby drama Jeremiah lost his awesome and, supposedly, very stable job. Boo hiss. Praise the Lord we had advanced notice and so we moved in with my grandmother. It was free, we lived through the woods from my parents. Every person's dream I suppose. Then tragedy struck. Not really, I just wanted to be dramatic. What had happened WAS - what was supposed to be a 4 month stay, at the very longest, turned into an 11 month stay.

Since we have been married Jeremiah has had quite a few layoffs. Every time he lost his job God provided one right away. This time around when we found out he'd be soon unemployed, we prayed and thanked God for that job and started looking. I guess I thought I had God figured out in how he provided jobs for my husband. Turns out I didn't: here we are over a year later and still thanking God for "the job". I am not trivializing prayer and believing you have received. I am making fun of myself for thinking that I was going to get an answered prayer at the snap of my fingers. There were around 5 months when he literally had no work. And then it was 2 part time jobs. Which I guess "in the state of this economy" is doing good.

Let me set the record straight, we never went with out during that year. But this is about the darkness and I'm saving the blessings for later posts. I'm just letting you know what it was like in my heart. I loathed none of the blessings, but I loathed that time for what it was...And what it was is that we COULDN'T move out. We couldn't even tell her a potential move out date. I felt stuck and I was miffed again. How could God not provide us with "the job"!? What is He thinking sometimes!? I don't like being reliant on other people like that because I have no other choice. If I'm going to take hand outs let it be because I want to and not because I need to. My heart was (is) not pretty sometimes. Jeremiah would gently advise me to try and get used to this time, to enjoy this time. I'd tell him I didn't want to get used to it, I wanted out of it. What a man he is to put up with me!

Around Christmas we had family in for almost a month and it distracted me from my turmoil for awhile. But then they left I was back at the same place again. Mad. I got to the point where I couldn't pray about it anymore. Literally, I would just yell in my car or make some string of unintelligible noises. I called it the deep groaning of my heart that couldn't be expressed with words. You'd probably call it childish.

For months I'd been feeling on the verge of something...And it was NOT a break through. More like a breakdown. Everyone was asking if Jeremiah had got a job and I could hear (real or imagined) disdain in their voices towards the man I love for not supporting his family. People would advise me on how to advise him. I told God that I was tired and I couldn't handle it anymore. I was honest! I know sometimes we can handle more and we just don't want to. But I was fighting deep anger. The anxiety and depression I used to know was knocking on my door. I literally, with all my heart, KNOW I needed a break through.

So, I asked. And I received. Morning came. Thank you God!

When the Lord withholds you deep heart desires (and I'm not speaking of frivolous wants, but real serious legitimate desires of the heart)...And you haven't been giving the Lord what He deserves...You might get a darkness of your own. Or maybe the darkness didn't have to be darkness if I'd been in a right state of heart. Food for my thoughts and yours.

Happier reading to come :) Happy Mother's Day to alL!

Last Night - Part One

No, not last night literally...But the last season of night I just came out of.

I thought that before I started talking about the treasures I found there I should describe the night I found them in.

It started when we got married, but, thankfully in the end, had nothing to do with our marriage. Does that make sense? The state of our marriage had nothing to do with the darkness. Anyhow, before I got married life was easy and I had a very set routine for most of my days. Marriage and pregnancy threw that all off. I didn't have a set time to spend with the Lord anymore and I had lost the art of doing it as I went along my day. (Or more accurately surrendered the art as I don't think the devil can take anything like that unless we give it over.)

This next statement will sound dumb, but I promised I'd be honest. I chose to "slack" in my time with God. Jeremiah isn't a huge reader and I didn't want to seem like this super-spiritual wife who sat around and read my Bible all the time. I think that is where it started.

Then came the birth of Irie and it wasn't pretty. We prayed for a lot of things and had an awesome birth plan. In the end the only thing we got that we prayed for was a healthy baby. YES, I KNOW that is all that really matters. But sometimes we have desires for more than just what matters. (I mean, all that matters is that we have food and shelter right? But wouldn't you rather have your own home with a job to provide those things than live in a box somewhere and dig out of a garbage can?)

When I didn't get those desires it crushed me. What happened was that I ended up having a c-section. And not only was that like the worst possible scenario in my mind, it was a horrible experience. I welcomed my first born into the world half conscious and after 2-3 days of no sleep. I didn't get to enjoy my first weeks with her...Honestly, I don't even remember them much. Something I dreamed of (giving birth vaginally and joyfully) died and I was grieving. I had bad "baby blues" as they call it for about 6 weeks. I call it depression from the enemy. There is the legitimate side of it where your hormones are whacking you out, but there is the spiritual side where I wasn't prepared for what happened. I started dealing with it best I could - but both Jeremiah and I were slightly miffed with God. We knew we couldn't blame him but it was hard to reconcile that we had guilt in the ways things went. You may or may not agree on that topic of it all being God's will...and I don't care. I know that I was tired in the end of labor with Irie. Jeremiah got scared for me and I got scared for Irie. We made decisions out of that fear and that is that. We could have made the same decisions in peace and had the same results. It would still be hard, but at least I'd know we were in the clear.

Well, if you don't know, then now you do - once you've had a c-section the worlds says your doomed for more and the doctors will never induce you on any lever. In fact one friend told me that after her first c-section at age 20, the doctors asked her if she wanted her "tubes tied" while they were in there!?! I've never used this before, but I think it applies - WTF. I know, can you believe I typed that? I can't.
So, sticking with our convictions about having children and birth control, I got pregnant again when Irie was 7 months old - and I was bound and determined to not have another c-section. I will condense Scarlet's 9 months in the womb to this - calm (i.e. desperate) prayers unto the Lord to spare me a c-section, claiming Scriptures and maintaining my sanity as her due date came and went with no signs of labor. I had a c-section scheduled 10 days after my due date. When July 6th came, c-section it was. To say I was bummed is a huge understatement. I will say this though, I was ready the second time and at peace when I went under the knife (dramatic I know). Because even if I don't ever get a natural birth I will not let the joy of welcoming a child into the world be tainted by it.

Currently, 10 months later, I am still dealing with all this birth stuff. I'd like to tell you that I'm over it and more importantly, I'd like to tell God that I'm over it. I'd like to say that I don't get filled with immense sadness at the thought of having two or more children from c-section but I do. I'm not over it, I don't know how to get over it,and I'm not sure when I will be. It's a process, you know?

Stay tuned for part 2 of Last Night. I got kids to deal with!

Treasures of Darkness

I have recently come out of one of the hardest seasons of my life. I hated being in it but appreciated it for what it was...After it was over! I'll be honest, I complained a lot and fought God a lot and for those reasons, the season probably lasted longer than it could have. God was busy filling my treasure chest and I was busy complaining about how dark it was. There are always treasures in the darkness.

Isaiah 45:3
I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden riches of secret places,
That you may know that I, the LORD,
Who call you by your name,
Am the God of Israel.

God gave me this verse many years ago when I was very much struggling with anxiety and depression, and struggling to make my will prevail over God's. It was a hard season too. This verse was my shelter from the storms that raged against me. It was my promise that no matter how far I traveled into the valley of the shadow of death, God's purpose would prevail...AND that I would also receive revelation and blessing from the Lord in these darkest of times.

I am going to devote many blogs to sharing with you my treasures of darkness. These are to come soon, but for now I need to veg out with some netflix because I actually have some kid and husband free time on my hands. (Just being honest!)

Why "Confessions of a Goodwilled Woman" ???

The "Why":

Recently Jeremiah and I took a marriage class with church called "Love and Respect", by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. HOLY TAMOLY!!! It rocked our foundations...We saw where we were weak and strong and now we are working to repatch and fortify. What I learned there will come later, but lets just suffice to say it was incredible.

Anyhow, in that series Dr. Eggerichs repeatedly uses the term "goodwilled" to define a spouse that loves his/her mate but still wrongs them. I feel that appropriately defines myself, so I put together the blog name. And I didn't use wife because I feel that the goodwilled part (loving but still doing wrong) applies to about every close relationship I have. There was a time when I thought very highly of myself...Well you know what happens when that happens! God put me in my place that's what! Thank you God for loving us where we are! Read the next blog to know why I am writing...I don't think you'll be dissapointed.

The story behind my blogging...

For some time now I have wanted to begin writing. In fact, my list of "things to do before I die" contains publishing a book. I figure writing a blog is good enough for now. I used to want to title my book...well, I won't tell you in case it comes to pass - but it has to do with good ole Elijah.

Many years ago I read the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19. It is one of my most favorite stories. Let me give you the story in a nutshell. Jezebel is killing all of God's prophets and Elijah runs because he is scared. He runs into the desert and God sustains him. He runs with supernatural strength and finds himself in a cave. God asks him why he is there and he blames it on Jezebel. God then reveals himself to Elijah in a small whisper and again aks Elijah why he is in the cave. Elijah again blames it on Jezebel. God tells Elijah to go back the way he came. Elijah never mans up to the reason he is REALLY there - fear. (And a justified one too, might I add). So, God says, go back the way you came (with an unspoken figure it out).

I feel that writing to you is a calling God has impressed on my heart, and to not do so would be disobediant. I am convinced that what God has taught me through my many caves of fear, and going backs, and darknesses (blogs soon to come) are worth sharing - NOT because they happened to me, but because they happen to all of us. In a generation plauged by lies, deciet and decoys of all varieties, I feel a desparate need to be REAL with one another. The Bible encourages us to put off falsehood and speak truthfully to one another (Ephesians 4:25). The Bible also says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." (James 5:16). What have we got to loose in being real with each other? Nothing worth saving.

Let me be real with you...Let me bare my soul to you. If you know me well, you know I am a huge advocate of brutal honesty (I can hear a hearty amen from my husband here!). I might say things you thought, I might say things that make you mad, I might say things that are painful. Who knows!? That doesn't matter - what matters is what God says to us when we listen. He's always speaking. God has spoken to me through many of you and now I hope to reciprocate the same.

The History of a Goodwilled Woman

I figure you need some background and I'm going to try to condense my whole life story in a relatively small blog entry (in proportion to my whole life that is). Here goes...

I become a follower of Christ when I was 12...Church summer camp in Panama City. I had been in church my whole life but that is when I knew that I needed God and so I cried out to him. My mom gave me a strong foundation to build on because she always encouraged us to read the Bible growing up. (I attribute that to my extensive knowledge of Scripture - thanks mom!) Then I entered a rough season - my mom refers to it as "the dark years". I had been in a small baptist church my whole life and then right before starting high school my parents said "we're not going there anymore". BLAH! That statement rocked my world, and I still feel a sadness when I think of it. Those people were my family and I did everything with them. My first love was there, and all my memories, etc, etc. It took a long time for me to accept God had plans for me that couldn't happen unless I moved on. I specifically remember laying in bed crying and telling God "fine, I surrender, You can have Your way because I'm miserable". So, things started to look up.

We started going to a contemporary church and that rocked my world (in a good way). I started being able to sing more and led worship a lot (which paved the way for all my worship experiences up to date). And I went to JAMAICA! I am, admittedly and helplessly, in love with that country and her people. There are days when I weep because I miss it so. Don't get me wrong - I love my husband and girls and ministering to them is more fulfilling than I ever imagined. But Jamaica does something to me I can't describe and I know God intended it this way. Jamaica changed me - God changed me there. He showed me something in myself, something about this world, about the enemy and God's power...And that's just a few of the reasons why I love it. I have been to Jamaica 8 times now and in faith, 9 is on the way!

In high school I had mostly church friends. One of my only regrets in life is that I wasn't friends with more people, and I mean friends on deep levels. However,I don't sit and beat myself up too much because I'm someone different now and for that I praise God. I hated high school for its trivialness (is that a word?) and how silly people were. I was, I suppose, slightly beyond my years. (I heard that too much and it got to my spiritual ego later on...Alas.)

In high school I met a boy and I got in engaged and I held onto that like my life depended on it. I am devoted to a flaw at times, and this was one of them. I don't like reminiscing too much on that because it was so dumb most of the time and I dislike when things get dumb. I got anxious and depressed...and then anxious because I was depressed and depressed because I was anxious. It wasn't pretty. Let me put it this way, I'd probably still be holding on unless he hadn't let go. He was the man of my dreams - but thankfully God always has for us more than we ask or imagine and so I ended up with Jeremiah...Who is nothing like what I ever dreamed and the better part of all my imaginings.

I took up rock climbing for 4 months and then what I refer to as "rock falling", and tore my knee up horribly. But God healed it and I'll share later on that...

I graduated college with a degree in Business Admin. I got married a week after I graduated college. I got pregnant two weeks after I got married. I gave birth nine months later. I got pregnant again seven months later. I gave birth again nine months later...And here we are coming up on our 3rd anniversary with a 26 mo old and a 10 mo old. I am skinny because my kids don't really let me have a moments rest, and most days I feel a slight bit crazy.

This is my life and I love it.